Okay, i know you will think i am crazy, reading this blog. But i'm not. I assure you, I'm NOT. I'm not a huge worrier. I've never really worried too much. When surveys would ask "What are you most afraid of?"- many times i just couldn't think of an answer. Because you know... i'm not actually AFRAID of roaches, i just don't like them. I could walk in an alley late at night without any apprehension at all (much to the dismay of family. But don't worry- i don't actually practice this!). The only thing i'm ever actually afraid of is auditions... haha.
But since Brad has been back in my life, i could definitely say that my #1 fear would be losing him. i mean, it's nothing i dwell on or obsess over or anything. And I know he'd never leave me. But people lose loved ones all the time due to illness or accidents. I hope i don't sound obsessed; it's just that when you finally find that someone & truly love them with all your heart... well. If anything happens, your mind can work overtime.
So, last night. I had a production meeting at 6 & rehearsal at 7. I was talking to Brad as i was walking in the theatre & told him i'd call him after the meeting. He had just been grocery shopping & was ready to relax. Now, Brad is the most predictable person in the world. I always know where he is. He doesn't keep his cell phone on, unless he's not at home or at work, which would annoy most wives, but it doesn't bother me because he is always easy to get in touch with... and even if i can't get him, he will call me as soon as he sees he missed my call.
So, here is how last night went:
5:50- talking to brad, entering theatre, told him i'd call him after the meeting
6:45- after meeting, called brad, no answer. not worried.
7:00- called brad, no answer. i thought, "wierd. the answering machine didn't even pick up. he must be on the other line or something." not worried; went on with rehearsal.
7:30- called him again. and again. and again. and tried his cell. Usually he turns his cell off when he gets home, but it was on. It rang & rang & rang. Called again & again & again. Called his mother to see if he'd stopped over there or something. He hadn't.
8:40- STILL calling him. Starting to freak out. Sat in theatre & turned to director & asst director & said "i can't find my husband." They kinda teased me about being a newlywed & told me not to worry. But brad has been complaining about feeling lightheaded, even on the phone call before the production meeting. And he ALWAYS answers my calls. And so, crazy or not, i was starting to panic. I told the stage manager & he said "just let me know if you need to leave".
8:50- left the theatre in tears, pretty much picturing hubby unconscious in the living room. Driving home feeling a little shocked, mind working overtime. Kept thinking i'd get home & all would be fine, then started thinking about how i've never not been able to reach him, & why is his cell on & if it is on why isn't he hearing it & why is the house phone ringing off the hook & he knew i would be calling him & what is going on?! even wondered about calling 911... decided against it. I mean SURELY all was well, right?
9:10- Got home; fumbled with keys at the lock; he heard & opened the door. Looking happy to see me home early. Till he saw my face. I was like "are you ok?" & he was like "Yeah...?" & i was like... "i have been calling & calling since 7:00..." & of course, burst into tears.
So yeah- for some reason, the phone was off the hook. And his cell was in our bedroom ringing away, while he was in his studio on the other side of the house.
I can't say that i've ever SOBBED out of RELIEF, until last night.
I thought i'd be furious if he was okay, but i wasn't mad at all. Just relieved.
If he ever doubted my love for him, I'm sure he doesn't now. =)
(And seriously. I'm NOT crazy!)