Yesterday i got a call that a very dear friend passed away. She's actually my friend Amy's mom. But i was close to the whole family. Mrs. Helen had Leukemia. But that's not what she died from. No. It was suicide.
I hesitate to go into greater detail than that since it is an online blog. It's not really a secret, but losing someone to suicide is so shocking & horrifying & just, personal. i am just heartbroken. My heart is so heavy for Amy & for her dad, Mr. Bobby & for her daughter, Kinley (who was my flower girl). I just cannot imagine. I talked to Amy today & she just sounds so quiet & sad. And tired. Very tired. You know- emotionally tired. I just want to hug her.
I knew Mrs. Helen was sick, but i thought she had gotten better & i thought her prognosis was looking good. It was only yesterday that i discovered that she'd been really depressed. Mrs. Helen is the sweetest, kindest woman & she is someone who TRULY loves the Lord. But i had not seen her in a few months & i am now finding out that she was not at all herself.
My sister works for the American Cancer Society & she told me how they've seen many cancer patients do this & how that chemo can really affect their brain. I know that Mrs. Helen was not at all the Mrs. Helen i used to know.
It makes me so sad & heartbroken. My mind cannot think of anything but her, her family, what she was going through, what her family is now going through & the funeral on Monday. I have been asked to sing at the funeral. They have requested a specific song that i do not know. My husband is going to play it for me, so we both have to learn it this weekend. I have sung in front of a lot of people before, but never at a funeral. So please keep me in your prayers that i can learn the song, that my husband can, & that we will both be at peace & that i can do it without breaking down. I just need to hold it together during the singing (or it will be a disaster!).
I really wish i had gone to see her during these last few months. No, i do not feel GUILTY, i just feel regretful. If that makes sense. These are dear friends of mine, but man- how precious life is & how we get so busy & do not make the time to spend time with those we love. We assume all will be okay, but what i wouldn't give for just a few minutes with Mrs. Helen.
I was in shock yesterday after finding out. It wasn't till that evening in the middle of rehearsal that the tears came. I am so thankful for the kindness of the directors at the theatre. When i got home last night i was better but i couldn't sleep. So i didn't go to work today because i had no sleep - & i still haven't slept. I just can't get them off my mind.
"Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Mrs. Helen, Kinley, Amy & Mr. Bobby