Friday, July 8, 2011

A Conflicted Heart

So. It's kind of been a rough week. About mid-week, I was pretty discouraged, worried & frustrated about some things in my life. I don't want to get into specifics, but let me just say... I was allowing fear to rule in my heart. There are things I want to happen & I have no idea if they will work out like I want them to or if they will work out at all & it's not minor things... it's important things. At some point, I got all into my worry & doubt & it got me really down. 

On Wednesday, I read my Bible & wrote in my prayer journal on my lunch break & afterwards, I felt like a weight had been lifted. God is good. Why don't I always bring my burdens to Him?

"Take my yoke upon you & learn from me, for I am gentle & humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy & my burden is light."  -Matt 11:29-30

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

I also had this song in the background. I love it. I'm kind of really into Laura Story lately. This is an amazing song & the words are so true!

My favorite part is that chorus - "Faithful God. Every promise kept. Every need You've met. Faithful God." So true! He is good to us. Somehow I ended up remembering this verse too: 

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" -Matt 7:11

So encouraging! Our God is a good God & He loves us!

But I want to be real with ya'll. I'd be lying to everyone if i ended the post here & didn't tell you about the struggle I'm having right now. The worry, the fear... the what-if's. I'm having much better days than i was Tuesday & Wednesday, but still... I know that there are no guarantees in life. And i just keep thinking... i do not deserve any better or worse than so-and-so. God can do what He wants. And in His great power & wisdom, He will & it will be the best thing.

 Linds recently posted this song at Girl Talk but i have to post it here as well. It's just that good. If you haven't heard it yet, you must!!! It's just...PROFOUND. The lyrics. Very true & very good. I love it.

I love it, but - (did you sense a 'but' coming?)...

Even though i KNOW God is good & that He loves me & has a great plan for my life... I also know that He loves my friends who had stillborn babies. He loves my friends who have had their husbands leave them. He loves my friends who lost their husbands or their daughters or their mothers. He allowed these things to happen. He didn't make them happen, but He allowed them. (I am not worried about some of these things...they're examples!) 

Don't get me wrong... I understand the message of this song, and yes i truly believe in the truth of it. It's some powerful lyrics. Laura wrote that when her husband was battling a brain tumor... how brave of her. Maybe she wasn't feeling brave, but she was! Or maybe it was God's grace that helped her. And think... if not for that, we wouldn't have this beautiful amazing song that I know is an encouragement to others. It's a testament to me.

I love that the bad things that happened in my life turned out for good - for His glory & greater purpose. Those things were worth going through because of what God did with it...how he turned them around for good. "You have turned my mourning into dancing, my sorrow into joy!" - that is my testimony verse. I know what it is to be hurting & in despair & for God to rescue you. I know what it is for your sorrows to be turned into total joy! I know what restoration is...in a family that looked to be beyond repair. I guess what I'm saying is that even if He doesn't answer my prayers the way I want him to... He will still be the one glorified in however these situations play out.  He will still be the One worthy of all my praise! He will turn everything around for good!

I know I'm rambling. I guess I am saying that... He CAN answer my prayers... and maybe He will. But He doesn't have to. He might have a better plan. But right now? Being real with you? A "better plan" doesn't sound better. It sounds worse. It sounds scary. I just want Him to answer my prayers the way I want Him to. Yesterday! How demanding is that?! 

I know I'm being too vague with the actual needs and I'm sorry. But you understand, right? Have you been there? Have you been afraid of God's answer? I know that some of these desires will come true (whether in my timing or not!). But some of the others? No idea what will happen. 

I felt so much better after reading some Psalms on Wednesday & writing out my concerns to God. I know he understands where I am & he probably has the answer around the corner! I hope He does.

This is my favorite verse... "This is the confidence we have in approaching God. That if we ask Him anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of Him." -1 John 5:14-15

I guess I could be all spiritual & say I believe that. The truth of the matter is that there is one little phrase in that verse that bugs me. You know the one: "according to His will". This is a great verse when you KNOW what you are asking is according to His will! But sometimes it's a scary verse. You kinda want to ignore that one little clause.

Advice is welcome. But I really just want to know that somebody's been there!

Sometimes I feel like this guy: 

And the boy's father said to Jesus, "I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!" -Mark 9:24


  1. I think that crying out to God and asking for His help with overcoming unbelief is a wonderful thing and makes God happy. With all the tragedy in this world, we'd all be kidding ourselves if we pasted a smile onto our faces and said that it didn't matter because God is good. Yes, God IS good and He IS faithful but faith is something we choose with our own free will and that means that we have to decide in our hearts to trust Him. I struggle with fear tremendously, like to the point of being ridiculous at times. If I didn't have a hope and a faith, I don't know how I would ever get out of bed in the morning. I fear losing my daughter and my husband more then anything but I also HAVE to accept that they are not mine, they are His and He can take them whenever He wants. Corrie Ten Boom spoke these words of wisdom, "Hold loosely to the things of this life, so that if God requires them of you, it will be easy to let them go." (I had to google who said that, I didn't remember off the top of my head so don't be too impressed). But I feel those words are true. That can include holding loosely to our plans, to our timing, to all of it.

    I am committed to praying for you during this time but I would encourage you to know that this heart stirring is a GOOD thing. God is planning something for your life, lots of things actually, and the devil doesn't like that so he's trying to send feelings of doubt your way. When the devil messes with you, it's a good sign though you sometimes wish he would just leave you alone.

    I'm hear to listen if you *want* to get more specific but I don't need to know details to pray for you. I've grown to love you dearly via the blog world and am thrilled that I get to be a part of this new chapter of your life as you venture into a season of growth, whatever that is.

    Journal it all out, really take time and be still before God and mediate on His word. There will come a time when other things take up much of your time and this is a precious season of your life. Someday you'll be able to look back on your journal and see God's faithfulness.

    *HUGS* friend!!!!

  2. I understand how you are feeling Mel! I have been in that position of crying out to Him asking/begging Him for something I want to play out SO BADLY. In the big things as well as the little things. I'll be honest, I was so there with who I wanted to marry. I thought I knew who was "the one" and I cried and begged and pleaded that it would work out. And it didn't. And I fell into depression and it was AWFUL. I just KNEW that was how my life was supposed to turn out. That was what was SUPPOSED TO happen for me. And for a while I didn't understand.
    Then I met my (now) husband.
    I see why all that mess didn't work out, and now from this place I can envision what would have happened if it had (and it's not pretty!).

    Now I feel like I'm kind of in that same place with certain things (obviously not about the husband lol, but other stuff!) and I feel like I'm kind of where you are..."I know You know what's best for me...BUT if it could be this, that would be great!". Sometimes I wonder why it's so hard for me to remember what He has already done. And just trust and know who He is!

    What helps most I think is filling my head with His word, and I encourage you to do that too. Just be reading the Bible, reading things centered on Him, and talking to others that know Him about my situation. It helps me focus on what matter, knowing Him and being in that relationship, because once that is there, the rest should really just come second...right?

    Love you and I'm totally here if you need to talk!!

  3. Also this may help? I literally just saw this after I wrote that comment and thought of you! http://katieandbenupdates.blogspot.com/2011/07/leaving-it-to-god.html

  4. Honestly... I think that what you are asking is according to God's will. Maybe not RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT. But I do think it is God's will. Based on other Scriptures... not just my thinking.

    I love this post. The honesty is amazing. I think you put into words something that people are always going through but afraid to admit.

  5. girl, i think a lot of us can relate to this post. we all have days (or weeks or months even) where all we can do is ask why? it can be so frustrating not knowing how things will turn out or if we'll get the future we desire. for me, it's a daily battle of giving my life back over to the Lord and learning how to trust... oh to trust! i used to think it was so easy but the older i get the more the reality of what it means to actually trust hits me and i'm faced with my own insecurities and lack of faith.

    so yeah, thanks for posting this. it's always nice to know you aren't alone in these thoughts.

  6. Oh, I've totally been there.

    I think that parenting has really made me understand the whole "God's will" thing a bit better, although I don't think we as humans will EVER understand it completely. It's so interesting seeing how Brayden resembles me in so many ways in my relationship with the Lord. I think that the thing we forget is that yes, God allows it to happen, but He is grieved with us at the same time. And yet He sees the bigger picture so he has no fear of the valleys. That's a HARD concept to grasp. Praying for you friend!

  7. Melissa, whatever you are going through, my heart goes out to you. Sometimes life can be heart-breaking and we have to grieve for things we have hoped for. I do know that he understands how we feel, and doesn't expect us to not feel sad, or to just trust automatically. I will pray for you.

    And yes, the prospect of "God's will" can be pretty daunting sometimes, especially when it seems to go against what we believe we want and desire. I have had those experiences quite a few times, and all I can say is to hold on! I believe you will get through it, and get to the other side, but it's the getting there that's so hard. Take care.

  8. I know exactly how you feel! This is how I felt when we were trying for Wyatt - I was worried that maybe my plans wouldn't match up with God's plans at all, and that was scary! But I had to just give it all over to him, multiple times. just like you talked about! I'm praying for you, Melissa!

  9. Take heart that during Jesus' time on earth people always wanted Him to do it their way - Peter, Martha, Mary (his mother) too! Jesus did things in His time for the Glory of His Father. Those Israelites wandered and never got to see the Promised land because they weren't patient enough. I think everyone has a time where they just want God to do what we want Him to do. It's human nature. I find as long as I keep the purpose of God's glory in my mind when I pray it helps me not be to selfish about prayers. :)


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