Sunday, October 30, 2011

Drawing near to God

I feel like there is a hole in my heart. 

Everything was fine. I felt wonderful, great. Until i missed church again this morning. Emphasis on "again". Yeah. Fourth week in a row, y'all! I didn't want to miss it AGAIN! 

I love theater, but i don't always discipline myself to go RIGHT to bed when i get home so that I can get up the next morning. And then i oversleep. On the 9th we had our family reunion (where we took a vote & decided that it would be done on Saturdays from now on). The next Sunday was the day after my sister's shower in New Orleans & we got home really late & we were exhausted. So we skipped. The next Sunday? I don't remember. Oh, yeah. I had tech rehearsal at noon & had a lot to do before then. So i skipped again. I was bound & determined to go this morning! And i missed it! I hit snooze without even realizing it! Brad got up & showered, but didn't wake me until it was too late. I jumped up & jumped in the shower, but by the time i got out, it was time to leave & i wasn't even close to ready. So here i am again. On the couch. Blogging & Facebook'ing & Reading. And i feel such a hole in my heart. 

Don't get me wrong. I am not this legalistic person that thinks I'm going to hell if i'm not in church. Nothing ridiculous like that. I know that going to church doesn't make you a Christian. But gosh. I miss it. I want a church family. And we're never going to feel a part of the family if we don't KEEP GOING. Consistently! Every week! People there probably don't even realize we consider it our home church since we miss too many freaking Sundays! I don't even feel like it is home yet. But whose fault is that?

As a side note, i still don't have any idea if we have picked the right church for us. But i do not wish to look for somewhere else. And how can i know that this isn't the right fit for us if we never GO?!

It bothers me. And you know why it bothers me? It has nothing to do with thinking that i must be at church everytime the doors are open. It does have to do with me needing/wanting to hear the word of the Lord from our pastor. And it has to do with me wanting to spend time in worship & prayer. But it's more than that. Getting completely & totally real with you? I MISS GOD.

I miss Him! I miss Him a lot. I talk to him everyday. All day long. But that's not what I mean. I miss spending intentional time with him. He is the one who has brought me through so many issues & heartaches. He is the one who has strengthened me and helped me. He is the one who has given me wisdom when faced with major decisions (& small ones). And He & I? We used to be SO CLOSE.

I used to have one of those annoying christian t-shirts. Annoying, maybe, but i keep remembering what it said. "Feeling far from God? Guess who moved?"

Huh. The point of the shirt was that if you feel distanced from God, it's not because of HIM. It's because of YOU. The back of the shirt said the Bible verse, "Draw near to God & He will draw near to you." That's how it works. Not the other way around. YOU draw near to Him. Then He will draw near to you.

And really? I have not been drawing near. I have been talking to Him. But not spending intentional time with Him. Seeking Him. In His presence. And i have to get back to that place!

So no, it's not just about church. If my relationship with God was as close as always then i really would be more like, 'So i missed my 4th Sunday in a row. Not the greatest thing in the world, but I'll be back. Still close to Jesus & that's what matters." But that's not really what I'm thinking. Or feeling. Instead, I have this hole in my heart from missing another Sunday. To me, it means that I won't get to spend time with God until NEXT Sunday, but that is crazy! I don't need church to draw near to God! Yes, church is important, but if i'm so sad about  missing God, then why don't i spend time with him on my own!? Why do i just get on my computer & blab to all of you about how I am lacking the passion & zeal for God that I used to have? Why don't I go to Him about it & ask Him to bring it back to me!?

So this is where I am right now. This is my struggle. I used to be very strong in the faith & people knew it. They came to me for prayer, for advice, for all of those things. I prayed for them, I led them in Bible Studies, I encouraged them, and so forth. But years later, I am still struggling to get back to that passion that I once had. I lost it somewhere along the way. And I know when it happened, and it had nothing to do with me. It wasn't my fault. But still... I gotta do something to get that passion back! Please do not misunderstand me! I am still a believer. I still am overjoyed by all the things God has done in my life! He has changed me from the inside out! It's just that I miss that place where I was so close to Jesus, where nothing & nobody could interfere with that.

Pray for me if you think about it!

 Create in me a clean heart, Oh God
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence, Oh Lord
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of my salvation
And renew a right spirit within me
-Psalm 51:10-12

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God & He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.                -James 4:7-8

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. -Hebrews 10:22

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