The past week has been painful. A week of Discouragement. Worry. Fear. Frustration. Hurt.
In the midst of all that, God has been there - giving me moments of happiness, of friendship. Of love.
I wish I could go into detail about the things I am going through. I kind of want to, but am hesitant to do that. You can guess if you want to, but please don't ask me. Some of you I have confided in already. Anyway, forgive me for being vague. My husband & I - our relationship - is fine. Better than fine. Oh, yes...still hopelessly ridiculously in love. It's nothing like that. Just other things that for some reason I do not feel comfortable sharing on my blog. I don't know why. Others do it & i admire their complete openness. I consider myself an open book, but this... this feels more private. Most of you, I don't mind knowing all my personal business, but there are some who read that I am hesitant to share my life with. So. We'll keep it all private for now.
Along with that private matter, I am the Maid of Honor for my sister's wedding, which is this coming Saturday. My husband's Granny is on her deathbed. We are worried that the two events will happen at the same time... which is a problem for us because we both will need to be at Granny's funeral and we both will need to be at my sister's wedding. I spent a lot of time completely worried about that, but now? Not so much. Things will happen how they will happen. I have asked the Lord to help with this, and it's out of my hands. We'll figure it out if we have to. (But i love his granny & won't miss that funeral. And i won't miss my sister's big day either. So... they kind of can't happen at the same time!).
I hope that did not sound selfish! It is certainly not meant that way!
On Tuesday, I went to breakfast with my dear friends Amanda & Becca. Amanda was in town & I didn't know it until the last minute, so it was awesome getting to spend a little time with them. I was already down about some things, and I cannot tell you how incredibly necessary it was for me to have some girl time in that moment. God knew.
After breakfast, Becca walked me to my car & began to encourage me. She told me she was praying I would find a job and that God would provide. I was just nodding because honestly, I'm not as worried about that as I am about other things. But then she spoke to the heart of the matter & I just started to cry. In the parkinglot of Frank's. And then she prayed for me. Right there in the parkinglot of Frank's! And, y'all. I needed that. I so needed that. (Thank you.)
I cried the whole way home. I felt so loved, so ... special. Not just to Becca, but to God.
I got home & Brad was there. He had taken the day off. We were just hanging out. I was probably blogging or facebook'ing or something when my phone rang... and it was Laura. Holy Crap. Laura is my oldest & dearest blog friend. We met on MySpace when it was cool. And we have been friends ever since. GOOD friends. I refer to her as one of my best friends, even though we have never met in person. And, until this weekend, we had never talked on the phone! This is a 6 year friendship, people! Crazy! Anyway, she called me after receiving an email i had sent her (where i poured out some of my heartache). And again... I felt touched. Loved by a friend, and by God.
After we talked (which was so surreal? Or something.), Brad & I got in the car and drove to Brad's Aunt Paula's, where his Granny is staying. She is on hospice now. We went in to see her. I was very nervous. But it was fine.
I have to tell you... we weren't going to go & see her. We were going to let our last memories with Granny be our last memories. We were just going to leave it at that. But then Brad had a conversation with someone in the family and something from that made him want to go see her again. I was kind of glad, because he saw her over the past few weeks, but I haven't. We were scared, because it is not easy going to see someone you love that you have always known to be strong... to be lying in her deathbed. Dying. And we didn't know what to expect. But i have to say... it was such a beautiful experience...such a wonderful moment with her that i will never ever forget it.We both say now that if ever offered an opportunity to go see someone who is on their deathbed...we will go. Scared or not. It was a good thing to do. For Granny, & for us.
She looked better than i expected and she was coherent. She said, "can you believe this is happening to me?" - not in a angry way, but in a kind of disbelieving way. I held her hand & she told Brad and me how much she loves us. She told Brad how proud she is to have been his granny & to have watched him grow up. And she told him she is so glad she got to see him grow up and "marry this beautiful woman". Then she said, "You are a blessed man," meaning that he is blessed because he married me. He said, "Oh, i know." & she said, "You better know it!". Haha! I told Brad i will remind him of that whenever he forgets. :)
It was a great thing. To see her. And now she is requesting that Brad come play some of his music for her. So tomorrow or Tuesday after work, we will go over there with one of Brad's keyboards.
I am done with A Streetcar Named Desire now. I did the show Thursday, Friday & Saturday night - plus a matinee on Saturday & Sunday. Whew! I'm beat! They have one more weekend but I will be in New Orleans for my sister's wedding. I trained my friend to do what i do for the rest of the show.
VERY excited about the upcoming weekend! I will be blogging about that, for sure!
The emotions i talked about at first? Fear, Pain, Hurt, Frustration? Yeah, all that? Well, that is still here. It comes in waves. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach all day yesterday. And all this morning. But somewhere in the midst of putting on a show, i forgot about all my worries. :)