Tuesday, September 25, 2012

What God Says

Do you ever think things about God that aren't even true? 

Do you sometimes put words in His mouth? 

I do. Especially lately.

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After waiting & waiting (& waiting!) so long for something, I begin to wonder if He even cares about me. If He's even listening. Is it His desire to take a sledgehammer to my deepest desires & dreams? Is there some serious reason why He can't give me what I so desperately long for? WHAT is the hold up, God? WHAT?!?

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I think the enemy is out to destroy our view of God. Things you have known since you were a child or since you came to know the Lord. Biblical truths. He is out to destroy those things. He is out to change your perspective. God doesn't care about you, He whispers. God is mad at you, He tells you, you're doing it all wrong! Even after walking with Jesus for most of my life, the enemy is still able to mess up how i view God. It's so subtle, though, I rarely even realize it.

Until the other day. I was driving by myself in my car thinking about my longing for a baby. My desire to get to be a mom. I wasn't angry or depressed or anything, but it was on my mind, as it is most of the time. And I thought, "God must think I would make a terrible mother." But instead of letting that thought take over, for some reason I thought,

"No...that's not true. God knows I would be a good mom!"

And my next thought was, "...right, God?"

I started trying to picture God answering that question. I tried to picture him saying, "Weeeellll...not really, no...". And just thinking of it that way was so ridiculous that I actually laughed out loud.

Why did that strike me as funny? Because one thing I do know. My God is unfailingly kind. He has patience down to a science. He is full of grace & mercy. He thinks the best of each of us. He LOVES US with his WHOLE heart. And He believes in us when nobody else does.

No. If i was sitting in a coffee shop, having coffee with Jesus, and expressing my despair over (STILL) not being pregnant, I think He would put his hand over mine & say, "Melissa. You will be a FANTASTIC mother. And it won't be long, daughter. Just trust me, okay? I know you don't understand why it hasn't happened yet. But think about all those other times you didn't understand... and now you do."

And that is the truth. If you've read my love story (or were around me during that time), you know i was longing for a husband. I was almost 30 when Brad came in to my life. Late by so many people's standards, including mine. But, wait! As it turns out, NOT LATE AT ALL. It really turned out to be his perfect timing.

"But I'm 34, God! If i get pregnant NOW, I'll be 35 before the baby is even born! Don't you know all the statistics?! Don't you know pregnancy is harder after 35?! Don't you know I want more than one kid?!?! Seriously, God!"

He knows, y'all. He knows. He knows all of those things. 

He still says, "Trust me, daughter. I've got this."

"Okay, God. I will trust you..."

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On that same ride, after I laughed myself silly for picturing Jesus telling me ridiculous things, my train of thought went back to my desire for children. And to what a GIFT children are. 

And then this verse came to my mind,
"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly father give good gifts to those who ask him?" -Matthew 7:11

I checked the amplified Bible & it says "who KEEP ON ASKING". 

I'll just keep on asking then. ;)

This is what I feel like God was showing me the other day: He LOVES me. He loves me so much more than anyone else could possibly love me! And if He loves me, then surely He desires to give me a baby. But for some reason, He can't answer my prayer yet. Not because He doesn't want to! But maybe it's because He has some other blessings that will go along with it. Blessings that couldn't happen if he gave me a baby NOW. 

I don't know WHAT "other blessings" exactly. And actually, if he asked me, I would tell Him I didn't care about those other things... I JUST WANT A SON OR A DAUGHTER! So he can't ask my opinion. He just does what He knows is best for me. Even if i don't get it. Even if i don't understand it. I think it probably pains him to watch me cry & suffer so much over this. I think He is listening to my cries & my fears. But He's still putting His hand over mine and saying, 

"Don't worry, daughter. Trust me. I've got this."

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"Fear not, for I am with you." -Isaiah 41:10

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

"For great is your love, reaching to the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the skies." -Psalm 57:10

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