Friday, July 26, 2013

Hope.

I want to say thank you to all of you who have prayed for me during this season of infertility. And that's what it is: a season. It will not be forever. One day, I will get a big fat positive on a pregnancy test. One day, I will become a mom.

Obviously that is a far cry from the tune i was singing just last weekend, when i cried to all of you about how much infertility hurts, and how i am so scared that i will not get to be a mother. My one lifelong dream. And if i let it - if i let my thoughts go that direction again - I will start to fear that again. In fact, infertility puts you on an emotional roller coaster, so i can pretty much guarantee that I will! But for right now I am believing that I WILL one day get the privilege and honor of being someone's mom.

As I mentioned to you all then, I had picked up the book Baby Hunger to read through a second time. I needed help. I needed to be reminded that God is a god of miracles. I needed to be reminded that God is not limited by my crazy cycles or my weight or my insulin resistance. That is not to say that I shouldn't lose weight, but I am just saying... he is not limited by any of those things. He isn't. With God, nothing is impossible.

And i guess i always knew that. But before, i knew he COULD allow me to conceive. I just didn't know if he WOULD. And now i believe that He will. I really do.

There is one thing that Baby Hunger said, that really got me. And you know, this was my second time reading it. But it really struck me this time. It said something like, "Always remember, you have a choice in this infertility story. You can allow it to cause you to run away from God. Or you can run TO Him. Straight into His arms." I guess when I read that I realized something. While I don't think I was running away from God, I certainly wasn't running TO Him. I mean, how does one do that? Especially when you know He could give you your miracle if only He would. Well, when i read that, I decided right then that i would run TO God. How can i possibly think I can make it through this without Him?

It is strange to me that God would use my infertility to bring me closer to Him. I mean, this isn't a pain that comes from some guy or from a mean girl or from an abusive parent. This is a pain you can't blame on anything but life. And those kinds of things you kind of WANT to blame on God... I mean who else could be responsible?! He could answer my prayers if He wanted to, but He won't! And why not? So it would be easy to blame Him. I have been angry with Him about it before, and I don't mind saying it. It is natural to be angry with God when it comes to things like this. And He can take my anger. I even believe He understands my anger.

Anyway, in deciding to draw closer to God, I bought a worship cd. I mean, that makes sense, right? :) I ordered Christy Nockels' cd, Into the Glorious. For one thing, I've heard a song of hers and loved it. For another, I had a new car, which requires new music. (Somehow, in my mind, it does.) I am quickly falling in love with each song. And i am finding myself worshiping my Father in the car on my way to and from work. And other times too. Random times, like during this post, I have had to stop and listen to one of the songs several times. Tears stream down my face (both now, and in my car!) because my heart is FULL of the reminder of how faithful and good God is. It's so crazy, because I am almost overwhelmed with his love right now. Even through this infertility battle.

Anyway, one of the songs I am in love with is called "Wonderful". And there is a part that goes like this,

And my life will burn for You
Cause your light shined in the darkness
I was hopeless, but you lifted up my head
To sing for joy
I will sing
With a song that breaks the silence of my worship
Now I'm singing all the day
And forevermore, You will be adored
Because you are wonderful

And i realized... hm... that sounds familiar. Sounds like a Bible Verse I used to know. A Bible Verse that goes like this,

Psalm 30:11-12
For you turned my wailing into dancing, 
You removed my sackcloth and covered me with joy, 
That my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
Oh, Lord, my God, i will give you thanks forever.


Do you see the comparison? About God turning your sorrow into joy which brings about such a change that all you want to do is sing His praises, forever and ever?!

If you've read here for awhile now, you may remember me mentioning that verse before. It is what I call "my testimony verse". When i was a teenager, and even into my early twenties, i had a really tough time at home. There was a lot of emotional/verbal abuse going on, and it was very very difficult. I cried a lot, i was very very depressed, i hated myself (when you are called stupid, you tend to believe you are stupid. etc.). And i remember that at some point, God really began to do a work in my life. He healed me. He spoke to me. He loved on me. And one day I found that verse and realized that is what God had done for me. He had done SUCH a miracle in my life, changing me completely inside out from a depressed and broken person to someone FULL of the joy of the Lord.

I never forgot that verse; I still refer to it as my testimony verse. But I don't think I ever thought of it as something God would do for me AGAIN! I just thought of it as my testimony, as in, past tense. Only, when that song made me think of it, I felt like God was saying He was going to do that again in my life. That the same God who turned my sadness into joy about 15 years ago, could do it again in my mid-thirties, as I face infertility. He can & He will. He wants to.

So if you are wondering if your prayers are being answered, they are. Maybe I am not pregnant yet, but I am feeling a joy and a peace that i have not felt in a very long time. So thank you. And I hope you know that this entire post doesn't just relate to infertility. Whatever you are going through - just remember times in the past where God has shown himself faithful. He will do it again. He loves you.

6 comments:

  1. You're so brave to speak freely of your fertility struggles lately! And to think you could only barely hint towards them in ealier blogs.

    BTW, I have the same exact Camry, year, color, everything and I have been so happy with it!

    -Nina

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  2. I'm so glad that you're in the positive season right now! xoxo

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  3. Yay! I'm glad you are i a positive place. You're right, it's a roller coaster ride for sure, and it's extremely hard not to blame God for something that you have no control over. I'm glad you have found a way to look past that. I hope God rewards you soon!

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  4. So I've been horrible with keeping up and haven't read your blog in a while :/ but I'm so glad that God is bringing you to Him and giving you a peace that only He can give as you fight this battle. It is such a wonderful place to be in. A testament that Satan does not have the last stand. Love you! And praying for you :)

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  5. I'm praying for you daily, Mel. I know God is gonna do great and mighty things through your testimony. Don't give up hope; I'm still believing your miracle is coming!

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  6. My sweet sister went through this same season and I can't tell you how badly it hurt to watch. Praying for you!

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