Infertility is by far the worst and hardest thing I have ever been through... and I haven't even started fertility treatments yet!
Infertility sucks. Bad.
There are days my heart literally feels like someone is squeezing the life out of it. It feels like a punch in the gut would feel... except in my heart. Although sometimes i feel it in my gut, too.
It is the deepest of aches.
It is not just a sadness. It is GRIEF.
I can remember before getting married, so before we started trying to conceive, thinking about women who had trouble getting pregnant. And thinking, "Gosh, that must be so hard." And that's really all I thought about it.
I HAD NO IDEA.
I sometimes think, as a way to describe it to someone who had no trouble getting pregnant, of saying, "Think of the beautiful kids you have now. How much joy they bring to your life. Now wipe them out of your mind. You do not have them. You never conceived them. You are still trying to get pregnant for the first time. How would that feel? And how would it feel, that no matter what you do, no matter how many times you have sex on the right days, you still do not get pregnant. And you still do not have the wonderful little family that you have. How would that feel? Now multiply that pain times about 100."
It just hurts SO BAD.
I don't talk about this much in life. I only have email conversations about it with friends going through the same thing and one or two people who are not going through the same thing. Sometimes i feel like we are so alone in this. Sometimes I want certain people to know, people who would pray with us and help us. But the more people who know, the more chances of people saying the wrong things... and the wrong things being said are painful to deal with. (If you are unsure of what is not nice to say to someone dealing with infertility, read this. I feel like it is a pretty comprehensive list!) Those things are hurtful and they don't make the burden of not being able to conceive any lighter. I also am afraid of being misunderstood. Although if someone asks if we want to have kids, i do not lie. I tell them yes, and that we have been trying for quite awhile now. But mostly the only people that ask now are people i don't know well, people just making small talk.
I have wanted children my whole life. I was the kid who played with dolls, I even got made fun of for still playing with dolls in fourth grade, when the cool kids in our class were playing with makeup. (Yes, in fourth grade!) I got so jealous of my sister when she got to babysit before I did, because i wasn't old enough yet. And the day my dad came home and told me his coworker, who lived in our neighborhood, needed a babysitter and wanted to meet me, you would have thought he told me he was buying me a car. From then on, i babysat ALL the time. I would miss doing things normal teens did because i was always babysitting. The kids loved me. The parents loved me. I could get kids to obey me when the parents could not. I loved kids and couldn't wait to have them. I taught preschool, i worked in daycare, and then i was a nanny for several years. It was the best job. I was in my twenties by this time, with no groom in sight. But i couldn't wait to get married and have kids.
I finally got married at 30, and though i did want a little time with my hubby before having a kid join us, i knew i couldn't wait TOO long at my age. I thought 33 would be a good time to start trying. And so we did. And, nothing. We finally figured out something was wrong and I went to my doctor. And here it is... over 2 years later since we started trying... and I am still not pregnant.
I have had seasons of doing exceptionally well with this, and then seasons of NOT doing so well. This season, unfortunately, is in the "not so well" group. I have good days and bad days.
Life with my hubby is still the best thing ever, he is my best friend and we have so much fun together! Everything about my life is good and blessed, except the fact that we do not have kids. It sucks and it hurts so bad, i sometimes think my heart is literally breaking in half.
I should tell you that while i do not hate anyone who is pregnant or who has young kids, i have DEFINITELY struggled with jealousy. And anger. I told my husband once that I have spent more time angry and jealous in the last few months than in my whole life. I am afraid that is not an exaggeration. I was never an angry or jealous person before. But now i am. Because everyone, even people who didn't WANT to be a mom, can have sex and get pregnant just like that. Except me. (And others i know also going through this. But sometimes it feels like it's just you.)
I know i have blogged about this before, but rarely. I have struggled with making that what this blog is about. My friends who blog their infertility stories are of great help to me, so i know i should blog it. I just never did for awhile, because i thought i would get pregnant and then this nightmare would be over! I thought i didn't need to blog about it because it wouldn't last this long. But, here i am. 2 years later. And then some. I might as well write about it. I NEED to write about it.
I do have to tell any of you that are going through this or that know someone that is going through this... Baby Hunger, by Beth Forbus, is SUCH an amazing book. I just read it for the second time. It is a deeper look at several women in the Bible who also went through this. And back then they didn't have IVF or IUI's or clomid or charting or ovulation predictor kits. They didn't have tests even to know what was wrong! And also back then they were EXPECTED to have babies... EXPECTED. As in, if they couldn't get pregnant, their husbands could kick them out! It was perfectly acceptable for them to do that. Not only did they have to get pregnant but they had to have a boy. It was serious business. I cannot imagine going through this back then. This is bad, but that would have been worse. So don't think for a minute that these women of the Bible would not understand our pain.
One thing I keep reminding myself... all of these women from the Bible eventually did conceive and have a child. (And not just any child! Isaac! Samuel! Samson!)
So I am praying and believing that our miracle will come. Soon. Please pray for me too. And thank you, to those of you who have let me vent, who have prayed for me, who have known about this and truly cared. You are the best.
The book, Baby Hunger, also reminded me that i can choose to draw nearer to God during this season or run from him. I think for awhile there i was... well, I wouldn't say i was running from him, but i definitely wasn't talking to Him. But now i am running to him. He is my only hope. He is my answer. I recently got the Christy Nockles cd. This song stays on repeat. I love it.