Saturday, September 7, 2013

Pain.

I feel like I should just go ahead & brace myself every time i open facebook or instagram, as I will usually be inundated with sonogram pics, pregnancy announcements, or other adorable pictures of adorable children. Back-to-school pics get two kinds of responses out of me at the same time. Both "Ohhhh my gosh, babe, LOOK HOW CUTE!!!!!!" and ...well... what can only be described as a punch in the stomach. Just a reminder of what I cannot have.

I am in so much pain these days, I do not even know what to do with it.

And in case you are wondering, YES. I have thought about quitting Facebook, but y'all. First of all, I like keeping up with people. I like looking at their pics. (Except sonogram pics. Sorry.) And really, what would that solve? Then I'll find out IN PERSON that so-and-so is pregnant, and i think i would just rather find out these things alone. That way, whatever my reaction is - because it could be anger, jealousy, grief or indifference - it can be done in private. The only ones i expect to hear about in person are the ones from close friends. (Although, I would honestly understand if they sent me an email to tell me the news instead... if that feels less awkward.)

I thought there was actually a chance this could be the month. We did everything right. My body is doing everything right (except, you know, actually making a baby). I thought this might actually be THE MONTH. I thought it might be the end of this horrible no good very bad journey. But it's not. I get to go through it again. And maybe again. And maybe there is no end, maybe i will go through this until i'm 40 & decide i am DONE. I mean, i just don't know. That is the problem with infertility. You just have NO FREAKING IDEA IF IT IS GOING TO WORK. Most insurance doesn't cover fertility treatments, so you even get to PAY a LOT OF MONEY for what might not give you a baby! (We haven't paid anything yet. Back to doctor on September 17th & then we will see.)

 I know a lot of people pregnant right now. Some of them pregnant with baby #2 or #3. And, except for one who was also dealing with infertility, we have been trying to conceive longer than ALL of them. Since before their FiRST BABY! Oh, dear LORD, whyyyyy?!?! (I feel like i should give a disclaimer: I am happy for you & all of your babies. I just want some of my own SO BAD! And it just feels incredibly unfair that almost everyone else gets to experience the gift of having children. I mean, what is wrong with us?!

This is how it feels to be infertile. 

I woke up Thursday morning with the tell-tale signs of my period. I had hoped that maybe this appointment coming up would turn into my first pregnancy appointment. I thought maybe i wouldn't need to go to the infertility support group I signed up for after all. Wrong.

There are good things that have come out of this journey, and I suspect there will be more. I have a sneaking suspicion that God will not waste this. That it might FEEL like wasted years, but that it's not. I know he has promised me that he WILL once again turn my mourning into dancing, and i have to trust in that. I have to believe that. But i think that even in those times where i doubt it (like today, like this morning, like many, many times over the last couple of years), it still holds true. He will still do it.

I just hope it's SOON.


Until then, though. Until He decides to do a miracle, I think he is going to do some stuff in my life. He already has. First, he showed me some other women in blog-land just like me. People that get me. People that i understand. Reading their stories has helped me tremendously. Knowing i am not alone has been huge & significant.

Then, he showed me people RIGHT HERE also going through what i am going through. He has placed people in my life that have made it to the other side and are now moms. I have actually visited one of them a few times and she has been such a blessing in my life. I can hold her sweet newborn & vent about my infertility issues & she gets it. She TOTALLY gets it.

I have also realized that He has brought me closer to friends who are NOT going through this. Friends who aren't going through this at all and who really don't understand it, but who want so bad for me to become a mom. THIS IS RARE, FOLKS. I am lucky. I have infertile friends who have lost friendships because of their infertility. It made their friends uncomfortable. They said mean things, or they simply didn't get it. I have seen some of this, but I have also had the rare ones. The ones that have loved me enough to stick by me & lend a sympathetic ear, even though they don't understand. Even though things might be awkward. They still encourage me and give me room to grieve and say things like how jealous i am or how unfair it is or how i am just going to DIE if i can't become a mom. So you girls who have been there for me, despite what i am going through, despite my constant sadness - you are invaluable to me. I am lucky to have you in my life.

And then, just this past week, He gave me a support group. He led me to Beth Forbus, He got me to go to her workshop, which got me to go to her support group. I went this week. There were about 8 ladies there, and 6 of us were new to the group. So that was nice. (I was so afraid to go, just nervous, and scared I'd be the only new person!) I cannot tell you how AMAZING it was to once again be in a room where EVERYONE is going through it, where EVERYONE understands. Beth did a Bible Study on the patience of God - how patient he is with us, even through this journey - our frustrations, our tears, our anger. Then she opened the floor for us to just talk about what we are going through. Everyone talked, including me. Everyone encouraged each other. Everyone gave an understanding ear. Supportive advice. Hugs at the end. Lots of tears. We all got each other's phone numbers. At the end, one girl said, 'Man... i feel like i just went through detox!" I agreed. I felt much lighter when i left than when i arrived. Praise the Lord.

That meeting is twice a month. I can't wait for the next one.

And to those of you that have wanted to puke at my mushy love posts in the past, well, I hate to break it to you, but infertility has only made our marriage stronger. It's only brought us closer. I am not saying every moment has been golden, or that he has always known exactly the right thing to say or do. But as I have communicated to him my needs, He has been the one to meet those needs. He has let me vent, cry, scream, grieve. He has been so kind and so sweet and soooo long-suffering. He is the best. And i am so grateful. Our marriage was good before infertility, but now? It's even better.

The last thing is, and i have to admit it, I have grown closer to the Lord in this journey. And i know that is His idea and His plan. I go walking every morning now and that is my main prayer time. I tell him everything. I praise Him. I thank Him for what He is doing in my life, and what He is going to do. I pray for Brad & for our future children. I ask Him for help. And sometimes I cry and vent. But we are communicating more than ever, we are closer than ever. Even with this pain. And that is a wonderful thing.


In spite of all of the good that has already come from this nightmare, i still desperately want it to be over. I have been on the verge of tears the whole time I've been writing this, and my stomach is in knots. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I really don't. OF COURSE, God will see me through it. He will give me what I need to survive it. But I really hope that the end of this is near. That i will be a mom soon. Prayers are always appreciated.

Thanks for listening. 

15 comments:

  1. Gosh... how I hate distance so much sometimes! I so badly have wanted to give you a great big hug so many times over the past two years. I love you Mel!

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  2. Oh Melissa. I know exactly where you are because I was in exactly in the same place like 2-3 years ago. God does work in mysterious ways. I believe He knows what he is doing and your life will unfold the way its supposed to. We may not end up mothers but I trust that He has bigger plans for us if we're not. It may hurt like hell by try to have faith and trust. Hugs!

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  3. Hi Melissa,

    I've been reading your blog for awhile now, but I think have only commented once before. My journey is different than your, but I understand your pain and righteous desire for children. I haven't blogged about my experience much for whatever reason, I'm not sure, but I just wanted to say you are not alone. I'm very happy that this trial has made your marriage stronger. My husband and I trust in God's plan for us...whether that is with our without children in this earthly life. I wish you did not have to deal with this trial, but one way I look at it, is what if I had to have another trial? What if I could have children, but had a crappy marriage...which would I rather have? I don't know...I suppose I just try to make myself feel better by thinking this kinda stuff. I don't even know you, but I wish I could hug you!

    God bless you and your husband.

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  4. I hate this, girl. And I relate, and that makes me hate it more. But I fully agree with what you're trusting in-- these years ARE NOT WASTED in God's eyes. I refuse to believe that, and I refuse to keep being the one doing the wasting. I am thankful that you've seen your relationship with God and yourhusband grow stronger during this time...and will continue to pray that you see even more fruit come out of these trials. Preferably fruit in the form of babies, but ya know, whatever. ;)

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  5. This brings tears to my eyes Mel. I hate to see you suffer because you of all people do NOT deserve to walk through this. I don't have the right words to say other than I am praying for you (have been throughout this entire journey and still believe we will see your miracle) and will continue to pray. I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt and pain and I wish so badly that I could take it away. God will bring good through this...I just wish it wasn't so hard. Love you girl

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  6. Thinking of you. Know that you're not alone in feeling that pain, girl. xxooxxoo

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  7. {{{HUGS}}} I can honestly say I don't know how you feel, but please know that I will be praying for you.

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  8. Hugs! I know just how you feel. Thinking of you <3

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  9. girl- whine, bitch, be angry, do WHATEVER you need to, so that you can feel better. People will (and DO) understand, and if they don't? They have their own insecurities. They also probably could never handle what you've had to and be 1/2 as strong and positive most of the time about it. If what I experienced job hunting is even 1/10th of what you're going through (the jealousy, the optimism mixed with OMG IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, mixed with the questions and uncertainty)... I commend you and am thinking of you. It's hard. and I can only imagine it's 100 times harder.

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  10. THat support group sounds amazing! I'm so glad you found a group like that Melissa, what a blessing.

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  11. Sending you hugs and prayers. I'm just wishing the best for you!

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  12. I feel like such a bad friend because I have been SUCH a slacker at reading blogs lately. BUT. I had a moment tonight and got to play catch up.

    Reading this post made my heart HURT for you. I only dealt with infertility for a year and yet all of those same feelings that you write down come flooding back with me (especially being angry at being the ONLY one not pregnant and wondering WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG?!?!). It just plain sucks and unless you've been there, I'm not sure that words can adequately describe how it really feels. I'm just so so sorry.

    I'm so glad that you have a support group of people around you. I was so grateful to have a close friend who went through infertility before me. She was my sounding board and my listening ear. She cried for me, even when I didn't have tears to cry. Those people are amazing and mean everything when you have to go through something as awful as infertility.

    Continuing to pray for you (and Brad) on this journey. Big Hugs from Arkansas, friend!

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  13. ::hugs::
    I have no idea what to say.
    :( :( :(
    My heart wants to help carry the burden of your sorrow and pain. i want to take it away, i want to make it better.
    God is definitely doing something - but that doesn't always lessen the blow of "i'm struggling RIGHT NOW".
    I'm so glad you're getting support though melissa - that is so important and needed.
    <3 love you lady.

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  14. Infertility is a struggle for a lot of people, I can feel your pain, as we had tried for 3 years to get pregnant without medical help and then with help and we will be welcoming our 1st baby very soon! God does have a plan for everyone and i truly believe this, I will be praying for you! I have not shared much of our story yet, but hopefully will soon!

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