Monday, November 18, 2013
I was off work today; I always take an extra day off after a roadtrip or vacation. So we came back yesterday, but i still had off today. (Brad has off tomorrow too! UNFAIR!) We have had a lovely little day together. I did tons of laundry, including sheets & blankets, and I also cooked a good breakfast & cleaned the kitchen. Other than that, i have sat on my butt! Haha! Here is what I have done (the sitting on my butt part):
-a lot of facebook/pinterest/blog-reading
-look at the iphone 5s & upgrade possibilities for me!
-NO EDITING (I am caught up!!)
-watched the latest episode of my three shows: Parenthood, Law & Order SVU, & Grey's Anatomy (in that order).
-Ordered our Christmas Cards from Tiny Prints!
-Updated/edited our Christmas card list.
-Made a grocery shopping list.
Tomorrow I go back to work, and I am sad about it. But next week we are off two days for Thanksgiving! (This is why i love November. We always have a day or two off for our anniversary...the following week we sometimes still have another day off for our anniversary (ie, today)...the week after THAT we have 2 days off for Thanksgiving! See how that works? And then Christmas is right around the corner!)
Um. We totally let ourselves go this weekend. Yes, we were on our anniversary trip & gave ourselves permission to eat whatever our little hearts desired, BUT perhaps we should have allowed whatever we wanted for A meal or A day. The entire weekend?! Gah! I came home & stepped on the scale, and I'm sad to say i have gained. But it's okay. Back on it today! And i know it is the right way for me to eat, it is what works & it is possible to do it long-term (with occasional treats, which i am okay with still. Just not constantly for an entire weekend! Ha!).
I am caught up on editing! Not for long, though! Let's see... I have 5 shoots this weekend, 3 shoots the following weekend, 2 shoots the weekend after that, & 1 shoot the weekend after that! I have actually had to turn people away, because i only shoot on weekends & i am pretty much booked! This is something to be very thankful for, and I am, but i just can't add another one to the mix! (These shoots are in addition to other celebrations & obligations!) Crazy.
If you have not read Kisses from Katie, you MUST. The end. SO GOOD, Y'ALL! (Still reading it, but oh my goodness.)
I was asked to run sound for the theatre's production of A Christmas Carol this December. It's a paying gig, and will pay a large chunk of my next fertility treatment, so i am very thankful. (This photography money will go towards that, too.)
...it sucks. I mean, there is really nothing else to say about it.
I guess there is a LOT more to say. My last cycle was also my first fertility treatment. I know I mentioned to you that we did clomid. Well, we also did an IUI, which was recommended by my doctor. It didn't work. I was really hopeful and really getting excited, but... in the end? It didn't work. It really blows my mind, that they can take SEVEN MILLION SPERM & put them RIGHT where they need to go, and not ONE of them make a baby. Not to mention i had really nice size follicles! Ughhhhh! So frustrating & heart wrenching. The pain that i feel at times over this is unbearable.
But God is faithful, and answered some of the little prayers I had. My ultimate prayer was for a baby, obviously, and that was not granted. He has his reasons, and i do not understand them AT ALL, but i still trust Him & believe that ultimately He knows best. I have to say that not yesterday, but the Sunday before, I had to lead worship at my church. (FYI: I am not a seasoned worship leader... the only other time i did it was with 2 songs a year ago. I was asked to do it because our worship leader was out of town.) That Sunday was also Day 29 of my cycle. I was praying that if my period was coming it would NOT come until after leading worship, i just didn't know how i would emotionally handle it, and being on stage leading worship at that time would not have been good. Well, guess when i started my period? About 3 hours after leading worship. (You would think i would not be thankful for a period, but if i am not pregnant, then i would just rather it go ahead & start so we can move on to the next cycle! So, yes, this was an answer to prayer.)
Another thing... I woke up on Day 25 of my cycle with a HEAVINESS over me. It was fear. I literally FELT fear all over me, i was panicked & anxious & afraid. I woke up in fear that the IUI failed & i crumbled. I cried & grieved when I did not even know if it had failed yet! I was in so much distress that i actually emailed Beth, my support group leader, & told her to please pray for me. She sent me SUCH encouragement that was like a balm to my soul. She said she would pray that the peace of God would surround me all day. She told me the verse, "He will keep in perfect peace the one whose mind is on You, because he trusts in You." (my paraphrase) & I said it to myself ALL DAY. I also had the bridge to Kari Jobe's song "healer" stuck in my head (from leading it in worship), and kept singing just the bridge all day, "Nothing is impossible for You, nothing is impossible!"
His peace DEFINITELY came in & surrounded my heart. It was such a dramatic difference from when i woke up, that i cannot attribute it to anything except Him answering my prayers. To me, it was a reminder that He is involved in my story, even if it has not yet turned out the way i want it to.
Infertility SUCKS. Did i mention that?
I called my doctor to let her know that the IUI didn't work, and to have us begin the process of IUI #2. But she had something else in mind. She is referring me to Dr. Webster, a well known & loved RE here. I actually had to walk out of my workplace, sit in the parking lot & cry. I was completely overwhelmed. I knew that eventually my doctor would refer me to him, but i didn't think it would be quite yet! i love my doctor so much & feel like she showed SUCH care for me during my IUI that i really have no desire to go to a specialist, EVEN THOUGH i know it is the best thing. She assured me once he got me pregnant, i could come back to her. And that he is a specialist, they would hate to see me spend more money with them when i would more than likely have much better results with Webster. I talked to some friends who have been or are patients of his, and i talked to my husband, and felt a lot better. It will be okay.
My appointment is on December 2nd. This means that the cycle i am currently in will not have fertility treatments (other than clomid), and i am a little saddened by that. But it will give us some time to save some more money. Blah.
So that is the update, and i really appreciate any prayers you would like to send to the Father on my behalf! (Thoughts are nice too, but there is nothing like the power of prayer.)
P.S. While you are praying, please lift up these other girls i know who are battling infertility. Some in blog-land, and some not. Here are their names: Erika, Aubrey, Jessah, Lindsay, Monika, Mary Claire, Emily, Jenni, Danica, Shelley, & Lauren.
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