Monday, December 23, 2013

Tough Week, Yo.

I have been running sound for A Christmas Carol at our local theater. I thoroughly enjoy it, but am so glad it's over. I'm tired. And ready to enjoy the holidays without having to be at the theater every night. And put batteries in mics. And do mic checks. And chase down actors after performances for their mics so i could go home already. You get the idea. I am just ready to enjoy family & good food & days off of work. Yay!

A Christmas Carol was really good. It's a tradition at our theater, and i truly enjoy it. By the way, if you have not been to a performance at your local theater, you should go. Or to a city near you if you don't have a local theater. Go see a live show. Just do me a favor & TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE! (I really am apalled at how many think it is okay to text in a LIVE performance! Incredibly rude to the actors & the audience members around you. I have left the sound board before in order to tell someone to turn their phone off. I couldn't today, because i had too many sound cues, but MAN! TURN IT OFF!)

Sorry to fuss. I think I am still annoyed because a woman's phone went off five SEPARATE times during the show today. I mean, okay... the first time, you forgot to turn it off, i get it. But after that we shouldn't hear your phone again!


It's been kind of a hard week. First of all, it's been rainy, humid, and 80 degrees. Not cool.

Secondly, the main things in my Facebook news feed have been about football (which is probably dead LAST on the list of things that are important to me), and of course the whole A&E/DD controversy. I am sure you know what i am talking about but i don't even want to spell out the words because i am SO SICK OF SEEING IT WRITTEN EVERYWHERE I LOOK!!! Oh my goodness!

I hate to add to it all, but I'm going to ... just a little bit... if you need to skip over it because you are SO SICK OF THIS TOPIC, I fully understand! ...just...read this post. It was just a breath of fresh air for me & I agree with it 100%. I am going to post the one quote from it that i loved most of all. I guess my biggest thing with the whole controversy this week is that i don't think "I stand with {you know who}" buttons are going to really help anything or anyone. They come across (to me) as haughty & self-righteous. And please don't be offended by that, i am not saying if you posted it you are haughty or self-righteous, but scrolling through my newsfeed, not even paying attention to who was posting what, just seeing post after post of "I STAND WITH ______" and their comments of "WE ARE RIGHT & THEY ARE WRONG" just gets to be too much for me. I told Brad, "Sometimes i wonder if some of these people posting these things have even one gay friend. Because SURELY they would use a little more wisdom & kindness with their words if they did, right?" And then i read this post & this quote, which is EXACTLY what i was trying to say. She just put it so eloquently.

"The sterile public sphere outside of the protective confines of relationships is not a safe place for such weighty discussions, and we should not add to the pile of condescending, degrading comments about real human people. These precious, fragile conversations belong among people who love one another, who've earned the right to be heard, who can look each other in the eye and listen with grace and humility." -Jen Hatmaker 

That's all i'm saying.

*  *  *  *  *  *  * 

The other thing about this week? INFERTILITY. Blahhhhhhh.

The holidays are tough for those of us still stuck in the journey of infertility, but for some reason i wasn't expecting to have a rough time with it this Christmas? I'm not sure why. And it hasn't been awful at all so far... but there have been moments of sadness. This morning, we went to my sister-in-law's church & I cried in the pew. I cried when my sister-in-law sang, i cried when a girl got baptized & her entire family was sitting just a few feet from us. I cried when the little children sang, and I cried watching one of them using sign language. I cry like a pregnant woman these days...some of it is definitely hormonal, but there is no baby growing inside me.

Tonight, we were at my sister-in-law's new house. It's a newly built house, something i desperately want. It's beautiful & adorable & I just want a house SO BAD. But it's nothing like my desire for children. I would live in this trailer for the rest of my days if it meant i could be a mother.

You might be thinking already of what you will say in the comment section... that OF COURSE i will be a mom, that i need to be patient, that God has a perfect plan for me, that one day i will be a mom, that good things come to those who wait, that He will give me the desires of my heart. And i tell myself these things too. OF COURSE i will be a mom. It's always been my desire! God knows that.

But what if? What if we don't get to become parents? What if the next IUI fails, and the one after that fails too, and they keep failing until it becomes apparent that IUI isn't going to work & IVF is what is needed? What if my husband still doesn't agree to IVF, because of the cost? What if we can't do adoption either, because of the cost? What if we are just destined to live in this trailer WITHOUT CHILDREN forever???? Sometimes i am fully trusting God's perfect plan. Sometimes I am confident that He is going to give us a baby.

Other times i feel stricken with fear.

Colleen wrote this post on her blog and i beg you to read it. So thankful for it. This is how it is. It hurts so bad. It sucks so bad. And people's comments are HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE!!!! Some comments are obviously not intended to hurt me, but they still hurt. And the ones that don't hurt are exhausting.

Sometimes I see pics of babies or children on Facebook, and i "like" the post. Other times I scroll past it as quickly as possible, in order to avoid that sucker punch feeling. But i don't avoid it. I saw the picture & it hurts. It hurts because while everyone is moving on in life, i am still stuck in infertility. They all get married & get pregnant, easily, without any problems, sometimes even as a surprise!!

I love doing Christmas cards. I will always do them. I love them. But... i thought that by now there would be a child in the picture on our card. Or a baby. Or at least a baby bump. Or baby announcement. But nope. Just another card with me, brad & the dog. I mean... we have a pretty cute dog, but i would like a baby human. Every year, when i work on my Christmas card, i think, "Maybe next year there will be a baby in this picture - or at least a baby bump!" And it never is. And so the next year i say the same thing. And this year... well... i know that next year, there may NOT be a baby or a baby bump. There may never be. And i can't be okay with that. I don't think i will ever be okay with that!

Tonight we had Christmas with just me, Brad, his parents & his sister. And as we were finishing opening gifts, i thought again of how much fun it would have been to have one of the presents for my father-in-law be a "this is what cool grandpa looks like" t-shirt. I would love to casually sneak in gifts like that as part of a usual gift exchange, in order to announce we are pregnant. How special & fun. But it is not to be. Again.

It hasn't been a bad Christmas season. But there have been MOMENTS where there is such a pang in my heart. Where tears come to the surface. I came home last night very emotional, and i stubbed my toe on the dang doggie gate & i lost control. I said, "I HATE THOSE STUPID GATES IN THIS HOUSE!!!!!!", only i didn't say stupid. And then i started wrapping gifts & crying. And i couldn't help thinking that we waited until Monday to do all of our Christmas shopping, and that we finished our shopping in three hours, and that i finished wrapping in a half hour, all because we are still childless.

Anyway... i know it could be far worse. I have friends who lost a loved one this week & my heart breaks to think of them losing someone they loved so much, right before Christmas. I have a friend who has done IVF 6 times and all 6 times she became pregnant and all 6 times she miscarried. I just don't know how i would bear something like that. And there are people right here in blogland who have been through similar situations. So yes, it could be worse, but it still hurts. Bad. And i just... really don't know how much longer i have to go through this. I will say that i love my support group, and can't wait until we meet again.

Please pray for us. I don't know if i told you but my obgyn referred me to an RE. I really like him. We had a test they recommended to see if we are carriers of cystic fybrosis and about a hundred other diseases & that test came back negative. We are not carriers of those diseases. I am so thankful for that! Next, we go in to do an HSG test, which is a test done to see if your tubes are blocked. Praying that one also has good results! And then we will be doing IUI #2.

Anyway, sorry for such a downer post. My job is going well these days, I love my family & i feel incredibly lucky to be married to such a handsome, sweet & HILARIOUS person. But infertility is still incredibly painful. And i don't know when or if it will ever end.

I love Christmas, and i will worship & rejoice in the birth of our savior! Where would i be without Him? How could i even face infertility without Him by my side??? He is the only one who can get me through this! I will worship & celebrate, and have a great time. But i am also ready for a new year, and the hope that it brings.

If you are also going through a rough time, about anything, please feel free to comment or email me & i will pray for you also.

XOXO & Merry Christmas. :)

8 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Mel. I wish I knew the right words to say to comfort you but all I can do is continue to pray. And let you know I love you very much and am believing with you for a baby. I absolutely hate that you have to walk this road. Prayers, prayers and more prayers coming your way.

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  2. GIRL. We are totally emotional twins this weekend/today. UGH. Reading your words was like being inside my own head. I want to drive to Louisiana today so we can moan and cry together. And also sing. I think that would be fun. (PS. It took me 3 tries to spell Louisiana correctly, hahaha.)

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  3. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Hopefully you can get a bit of an emotional reprieve and really enjoy the holidays, despite all the sad reminders that may pop up. Thinking of you.

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  4. I just want you to know that I am praying so hard for you my dear. I pray that this is your last holiday feeling like this. I know how hard it is to feel so sad and depressed on Christmas and then to feel badly about feeling the way that you do. Nothing about infertility is easy... NOTHING. You do such a good job of keeping busy and doing what you can to still enjoy life and that is something that I admire. Thinking of you, sweet friend! XOXO

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  5. oh girl. my heart just aches for you. nothing takes away the sting of infertility. NOTHING. wish I could be there to give you a hug in those moments when you get weepy (and WHY is it that we get weepy when we're at church?!?!-- I can barely make it through a church service when I'm going through rough patches). (((HUGS))) friend!

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  6. Sending lots of love your way! xoxo

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  7. As a women who is also dealing with infertility, I feel your pain. Sometimes I will be fine, and other times it just hurts so much. I've had three miscarriage and none of my pregnancies have made it to term.

    I just try to take it day by day, and realize, that although there may be something physically wrong with my body, there is nothing wrong with me. And also I have to realize that having no children is not a sign of shame, but rather a different style of life then other couples choose, rather I choose it for myself or it happened by chance.

    HUGS!

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