I am really excited about some things.
And really not excited/scared about some things.
But God is good & really working in my life. Even through the hard times. Especially through the hard times.
I had my second IUI & it was not successful. I have been incredibly sad. But not just that. Not just sad. I have been afraid. Terrified. Scared of what might happen (or rather, what might not happen). I feel that FEAR is one of the main emotions I experience during this journey. It sits right there next to grief.
Here are the fears that are often in my thoughts:
-that IUI's won't work.
-that our only hope will be IVF.
-that my husband will not agree to IVF because of the cost.
-that we won't be able to do adoption either, because of the cost.
-that I will resent my husband & our marriage will suffer because i never had children & because we didn't try IVF/adoption.
-that we will never (ever) have children.
On my good days, i am at peace & have faith & fully believe that this is just a tough spot, and that ONE DAY I WILL BE A MOM! One day we will get our miracle. On hard days, these fears taunt me ALL DAY LONG.
It's why i wrote those scripture verses on index cards. To read every time those fears are voiced inside my head.
One of the verses on the scripture cards is this popular one:
For I know the plans I have for you,
declares the Lord,
Plans to prosper you & not to harm you,
Plans to give you hope and a future.
I read that verse, and I have to think about what it means when it comes to my specific fears. Is a troubled marriage due to infertility God's plan for me? NO, absolutely not. Of course not. So why am I afraid of this happening? Marriage is incredibly important to me. I waited a long time for him & we truly enjoy life together. So far, our marriage has not suffered in any way because of infertility, it has only gotten stronger. I am incredibly thankful for that. It helps that so far, we have been on the same page when it comes to treatment.
But what if one day we are not on the same page? What then? What if my husband refuses treatments that cost more money & we are unable to do them & I miss out on one of life's greatest gifts, and the one thing I have always wanted to be? These are the fears that i have got to quiet. Just because I know so many people whose IUI's failed & who had to go to IVF - that doesn't mean that is going to be what happens here. So why worry about it when i am not even there yet? A friend told me last week in a text, "God can make you pregnant any month and He can open the door to adoption at any time. You can't try to figure out finances now - for IVF or adoption! You pray that an IUI works and if you get to the other two then you look into finances and what options you have then. You can't worry about that now. The stress of the current IUI is enough." SUCH WISDOM HERE, right? And i have to remember this, especially: God can let me become pregnant any month & open the doors to adoption at any time. He is in control. He's got this.
I go to an infertility support group, which is really not as scary as it sounds. It's basically a Bible Study at a lady's house where we snack a little, listen to a Bible Study by Beth, and then share what we are going through to women who get it, who have been there, who are RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. I have grown close to a few girls in the group. And i LOVE & ADORE Beth, the leader. She is the author of Baby Hunger, which really ministered to me. She is AMAZING.
Sometimes when i share, i am fine & in great spirits & happy & cheerful. Other times I'm not. It depends on where i am in my cycle. Funny but true. Last night, i was having a rough time. I started spotting on Tuesday, had an all-out period on Wednesday, and spent much time in prayer (aka yelling/screaming/crying/talking to God) on the way home from work. Thursday, I was okay through most of the day, but at support group i decided to REALLY share what was going on inside of me. It's really the only thing to do when you go to this group. I have stuff i keep inside all week that most people will not understand. And sometimes i just have GOT TO GET IT OUT. And this was one of those times. When i left, i felt like i word vomited all over everybody. But Beth assured me, that's what the group is there for! :)
When i shared with them i just shared that i feel like I am being ruled by fear. I feel like it is at times CONSUMING me. I do not feel like this is my fault. I am spending time with the Lord. I am reading His word. I am praying & praising & worshiping Him. But I am also dealing with a lot of confusion, worry, hurt, anger, grief, and yes - FEAR.
I told Brad to not allow me to play the "what if" game anymore. That if he hears me start a sentence with "but what if - " to stop me immediately! I just cannot go there right now. A life without kids is not an option for me, i am not okay with it. I had a couple of people say to me that sometimes God's decision is no. These people didn't mean anything ugly by saying this to me, but i really CANNOT HAVE ANOTHER PERSON SAY THAT TO ME EVER AGAIN! I truly in my heart of hearts do not believe God's decision is NO to me having children. It is "not now" maybe, but not "not ever"! And even if God did decide for some reason that i am not to have children,
HE ALONE is the one who can tell me that. He is the ONLY one who could
settle that in my heart. But i do not believe that will be the case here. There are several barren women in the Bible & you know what? God gave them a child. One verse I cling to, especially because of my age, is this one:
"For even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:36-37
And that is what I am going to cling to. NOTHING is impossible with God. He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me & not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future.
Several of you have asked how you can specifically pray for me. So i will tell you. Besides the obvious - for me to become pregnant IMMEDIATELY :) & have a healthy pregnancy - you can pray the following:
-That PEACE & FAITH will rise & fear will leave.
-That when fear starts to whisper to me, through prayer & the word, I will be able to fight it & not be consumed by it.
-That my body & Brad's will cooperate & do exactly what is needed to give us the best possible outcome for our next IUI.
And, while you're at it,
-That i will become pregnant with twins (I'm not joking. Twins just aren't a concern for an infertile, especially an older one!).
As of yesterday, I am doing much, MUCH better. I really just needed my support group night & to tell them exactly what was going on inside of me. They gave me some good hugs & advice. They gave me encouragement. And of course, when i left, i felt like a weight had been lifted. I am SO INCREDIBLY thankful for that group! And it is crazy to think that without infertility i never would have met any of them.
I know in the beginning of this post I said i am excited about some things too. If you were waiting for that, here they are. ;)
-On Tuesday I am going to a Bible Study at a local church. It is Gideon, by Priscilla Shirer. I am excited about this for many reasons. 1, I have always wanted to do a study on Gideon; he is one of my favorites. 2, I have heard wonderful things about Priscilla Shirer. 3, It is at Beth's church - the lady who leads my infertility support group. So i will be in her Bible Study group. So basically i will see her more often than twice a month, which is AWESOME. 4, I feel like this is the PERFECT study for me right now. 5, At least 2 of the girls from my support group are going to go to this too. I mean - YAY! :)
-My new desk came in & Brad put it together for me & I LOVE IT!
-Soon & very soon i shall start the LIVING ROOM MAKEOVER! :) (Paint room, tear down or paint entertainment center, paint & change hardware on my outdated armoire!)(If you don't know about this, read my last three posts!) I am super excited about this. All i need is some money for paint & a free Saturday. Which isn't until February 8th, unfortunately!
-My parents announced they are putting in a pool!!!!!! YIPPEEEEEE!!! I see lots of swimming & sunbathing in my future!
-There is a POSSIBLE Roadtrip to Texas for a women's conference & a walk in my future. Not sure if this will work out but VERY HOPEFUL!
-Today I am throwing my sister-in-law a housewarming... which will be a lot of fun... but i gotta get moving!!!!
Thanks, girls, for listening. :)