Please be good to me.
2013 was hard. I am thinking it was the toughest year of my adult life. One of the hardest of my entire life. Of course you all know the reason: Infertility. While we have been dealing with it for almost three years now, this year was definitely the hardest of those years. The longer you go through it, the harder it is. At least that's been my experience. It does not get easier with time. Because time just keeps passing by, and still no baby.
I am not saying 2014 was all bad. Some good has come out of it all. For one thing, I joined a support group. Best thing i ever did. I have become close with 4 of the girls in that group, one in particular. We meet outside of the group at times. Thursday night, two new girls were at our meeting. They asked us if we grew up together or if we went to church together. Such is our bond that they assumed we knew each other before support group! I told them no, we met at support group just a few months ago. I am so thankful God brought me to that group. SO GLAD! I also started treatments in 2013, and started seeing a fertility specialist in 2013. These things are all steps forward. Progress. I am thankful for that.
I am hoping in 2014 my dreams of being a mom will come true. I am hoping for that and praying for that. Of course, it is hard to hope. It's scary to hope. Too many years now i have wished for a pregnancy announcement, baby bump or an actual baby on our Christmas card. Every year I say, 'Maybe next year!" I didn't say that this time. Maybe it won't be next year. Who knows. Still, i wouldn't say i have no hope. i always have hope. How do you not hope?
A week ago I was battling some serious fear and anxiety. I was born and raised in the church, in a Baptist one at that. Baptist churches, at least the one i went to when i was little, are very big on getting their kiddos to memorize scripture. I have so much scripture in my heart. But sometimes when you are going through tough times, it is hard to think of a verse that will help you.
So i put out a plea on Facebook. This is interesting, considering i never post about infertility on FB. I also rarely post a link there to my blog. Sometimes i do, to share a recipe or something, but not often. I know my blog is public. I guess my attitude is, if someone from my facebook finds my blog & finds out about our struggles, that's fine. Anyway, I asked on FB for some scripture dealing with fear or tough times. And i got an outpouring of comments. I wrote all of the verses on index cards, and I am going to keep them in my purse.
My plan is to get out this little book and read through the scriptures EVERY TIME i start to think those negative thoughts. i want to stay positive. But it is so easy for me to think one negative thought after another until i am having a full blown panic attack.
I was writing the verses on the index cards, and came to this one: "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." I said, "I am pretty faithful in prayer. I am not so patient in affliction. Joyful in hope. How do you 'be joyful in hope'???"
Brad said, "Hope is like waiting. Expecting."
"Ohhhh. I am not very joyful in hope. I would say i am more like Fearful in Hope."
He made a face and said, "Well, there's your answer! Stop being fearful in hope. Be more joyful in hope." Ohhhhh.
I am definitely fearful in hope. Sometimes angry in hope. Many times depressed in hope. How about i start being joyful in hope? Joyful in expectation. Joyful in the waiting. I'm sure going to try. :)
I don't have a ton of resolutions like I normally do. I would like to eat the paleo/primal way 80-90% of the time. I need to start exercising again. I want to do several things to our little trailer (the shutters need painting, we need new steps, I want to paint my kitchen table, and we have got to organize that extra room once and for all!). I want to become a better photographer.
But the main thing i want to do is grow closer to the Lord. To allow my infertility to bring me closer to Him. To let it affect me in the best way possible, which is to push me to trusting in Him more than in myself or anything else. I want it to help me lean wholly on Him. I want it to ultimately help me in ministering to other women who are going through the same or similar situations. Mainly I want to "Hope in the Lord" & "Be joyful in hope". Will all of this be easy? Absolutely not! But it will be worth it, if i allow it to transform me & shape me more into the woman God has created me to be.
Honestly? I do have a good feeling about 2014. I think that has more to do with me liking the number 14 better than 13, than me really thinking I might actually become pregnant this year. I mean, doesn't 2014 just sound better?! :) Anyway. We shall see what happens. Here's to 2014.
Wishing all of you your best year yet. Love y'all.
2014 DOES sound better for some reason. Hm. I really, really, REALLY hope you get your baby this year. I totally get what you mean about being "fearful in hope". My hope often comes out as a "what if..." as in, "it'd be nice if this happens, but what if..." Let me know how being joyful in hope works out for you. I'd like to learn how too.ReplyDelete
I really pray that 2014 is your year!! I can relate to so much of what you've written- it's so hard to hope and to be joyful while you wait. I can tell you that I most definitely was not joyful while I waited- but even still, I somehow still had hope. And because that hope didn't waver, even though I was so sad, angry and fearful, it brought me closer to God in my own way. Thinking of you, sweet friend! XOReplyDelete
2014 does sound better- but then again I'm OCD about odd numbers. Hate them! I'm so sorry your 2013 was so hard. I know this may not be a comfort to you at all, but I'm hoping it will be a little. I'm always seeking out the silver linings in things so I would encourage you to do the same. The advice we've probably heard the most pre and post marriage is to WAIT to have kids. So many couples and loved ones we've talked to mourn for those lost years with their spouse. Obviously, I know you don't have a choice in the matter, but how amazing that you've had 5 years to grow closer and closer to your Hubby. You guys are going to be unshakeable whatever comes your way because you've had that time to forge and unbreakable bond :) Silver lining!ReplyDelete
In the mean time, know that you're on my heart. I have a friend who is a Quaker and rather than asking for prayer requests during tough times she asks people to "hold her in the light." I don't know why but I'm really drawn to that. I guess for me saying you'll pray for someone has kind of lost its strength and power, and sounds like a singular event. But I like the idea of holding someone in the light- it is something that is constant and brings them closer to Jesus. All this rambling is to say, I'll be holding you in the light, dear friend. Love you <3
I hope 2014 brings your baby and a year filled with happiness. Happy New Year!ReplyDelete
Ugh... hoping 2014 is far better for both of us!ReplyDelete
I really hope that this is your year. You will make such an amazing mom when your time comes! Having a support group of people who understand what you're going through is huge. I'm so glad you've found that.ReplyDelete