Something happened Saturday & several things happened Sunday that just served as little reminders that God loves me. That he cares about me & my situation. I just felt like, you know... he doesn't just LOVE me. He loves ME, if you get what I mean. ME! He loves me completely, wholeheartedly. Basically, what i am trying to say is, I am His favorite. (So are you - He has lots of favorites.) But you see what i mean. He loves me individually.
It's like, maybe he can't give me a baby RIGHT NOW because it isn't time yet. But He does care about me & his heart hurts when mine does, and so he just does these little things for me to remind me that he does care. That he is here, working this all out for my good.
Yesterday, I threw my sister-in-law a housewarming party. At one point it had really died down & she was just giving some people who had come near the end a tour. It was just her friend, Donna, & me in the kitchen, and we got to talking. Donna doesn't know details, but she does know we have been trying to get pregnant for awhile now. So somehow it came up & I ended up telling her how another lady used to always give me flack for not having kids, having no idea what i am going through. Which, of course, got me to telling her about the stupid things people say when it comes to infertility. So Donna said, "I've done that before." And she proceeds to tell me about how there was a girl at her church who for some reason was unable to have children, and Donna knew she was unable to have children, but one day she walked up to the girl and, without thinking, said, "Hey, Hot Mama!".
And she immediately was like, "OMG. I am so sorry. I am SO SORRY. I just wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to say that." The girl was quick to forgive & assure Donna that it was okay, she knew she didn't mean anything by it. And i agreed and told her that you can usually tell when someone is just being rude or flippant or if the offensive remark was purely unintentional.
And then Donna adds, "Well, anyway, the girl got pregnant about a month after that so..." & she looks at me & says to me, "Hey, hot mama!" :) Haha!! I laughed & said, "Yes, indeed! You go ahead & speak that into my life!"
And then later, as we were leaving & hugging them bye, she said real low to me where no one around could hear, "Bye, hot mama!" HAHAHA! I said, "Yeah, you just keep speaking that about me!" :)
I wish you had been there. I hope this isn't one of those "you had to be there" stories & that you get what i am saying. It just made me feel really good, for some reason. Nobody has ever called me that. And maybe if it was a different day, it would have stung. I don't know. Or maybe it was just the way she said it. But i liked it. It made me smile.
And then, yesterday, in church. After worship but before the sermon, they had prayer for people who needed prayer for any reason. I quickly found my friend Ashley. Last week, they had an altar call for anyone with prayer needs. I was on stage singing with the praise team, but my heart was pounding & my eyes found Ashley's. She mouthed from the altar, "I want to pray for you." & i nodded & was already crying before i made it to her. It was right before finding out if the IUI worked or not, and i was scared. (I have found it is always the hardest for me one week before & one week after the results. The other two weeks have good days and bad days. But it's ROUGH those two weeks.) So she prayed for me then & i was crying & shaking, and her praying for me was a huge comfort & brought me a lot of peace.
This week, i was doing somewhat better emotionally. Not terrified or anything like that, but definitely had been sad/discouraged when we arrived at church. I really was hoping for Ashley to pray for me again, so when they had prayer for people again this week, i quickly found her. :)
Now, let me say - i am not one who goes to the altar every time there is an altar call - AT ALL! Some people do that, and that isn't a bad thing; we are all at different points in our walk with God. As a teen & in my early-to-mid twenties, i was always going up for prayer! But for about the last decade I have been the one to pray for others. We started dealing with infertility before i was going to Covenant, and at the time i was very private about it & wasn't about to go forward for prayer... what if they asked me what i needed prayer for!? Haha. It is only in the last few months that i have told a handful of people at our church (including our pastor). These past two weeks I have been really ministered to at Covenant, and I am okay with that. :) Sometimes life hurts & one of the best things to help you through it is being surrounded by other believers who will lift you up in prayer!
Anyway. Don't know why i felt the need to go off on that trail, but I did so, there ya go. :)
Our pastor preached on how God still speaks today. And it was crazy. So much of what he said was for me! SO MUCH. And yes, he knows what we are going through, and he knew that on Tuesday i was really upset about the IUI not working, and that by Wednesday I was feeling better - based on very brief emails to him keeping him up to date. But that's all he knew. I don't think he would have preached this sermon if God hadn't spoken it to His heart... but i feel like he specifically said things to encourage ME. And that meant a LOT. It really did. Of course, there are many others in our church going through other battles. He may or may not know about them & he was definitely speaking to them as well! But you know what i am saying, right? I hope. I know it's not all about me. Haha. I am just trying to say that the sermon meant a lot to me... not just what was preached... but that God cared enough to have Pastor Jeff preach it, and that Pastor cared enough to say specific things to get MY attention... things like, 'The same God who spoke pregnancies into barren women still speaks today!" :)
And then after church, he invited me & Brad to lunch. They treated us to Las Palmas & we had a really good conversation. I was nervous to go, nervous if they would ask us about infertility, nervous i would cry at the table, nervous it would be awkward conversation ha! But it was wonderful. Really good. We talked about all kinds of things... not just infertility. But he did ask about it. We told them our next steps, we told them some of our fears. I told them about my awesome support group. And they really encouraged me. Me & Brad, both of us. They listened to our fears without judgement & without any of those churchy cliche phrases, haha. They just listened & encouraged us & let us know that they are in our corner, trusting God with us, believing with us.
Mrs. MaryAnn mentioned something about twins (I can't remember what - i think she said it would be neat if we had twins), and i said, "Oh, i actually want twins. I actually pray for twins! I know that is crazy to some, but it's just not a concern for infertile people!" And at the end of our meal she said, "I'm going to be praying for you to have twins now - now that i know you want them!" Haha! I told Brad on the way home, "We have so many people praying for us to have twins now - we may actually have them!" LOL!
And then last night, I got an email from a blog reader. Not sure if she would want me to say her name or not... but she emailed me & said that she wanted to let me know that she read my last blog post & was committing to praying for me every single morning. I was ... I don't even know how to describe it. I know i have tons of people praying for me. And it really means the WORLD to me when they say they are praying for me. But for this person to email me to say she is committing to daily prayer for me?! I don't know. I was just really floored by her kindness & willingness to do that. This person has a lot going on in her own life... but is willing to pray for someone who she has never met in person - someone who lives clear across this continent! Wow. Thank you, to that friend. You know who you are! Add that to the list of things that made me feel loved this week!
And then this morning someone texted me & said she dreamed last night we had a baby boy. :)
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Today was weird. I felt kind of... that heaviness again. Which is strange because of all of the encouragement poured on me this weekend. I still was very aware of all God is doing & that He IS working in my life - whether it's easy to see that or not. This weekend he made it very clear that He loves me. That he cares. That he is working in my life. I love it when he does that!
Tomorrow i start my Gideon bible study! So excited!
P.S. Sorry this post & the last are so long!! If you are still here - I LOVE YOU! Haha.