My mind is so full right now. And my heart. You know when you finally go to bed at night, and suddenly you can't sleep because your mind just won't STOP? So many thoughts inside your head reminding you of what you have to do tomorrow or someone you forgot to call or something you meant to pick up at the store? Well, my mind is whirling like that, except I'm sleeping just fine. It's during the day... and it's thoughts about God. And his goodness. And His peace. And the love and support I have received lately. And my miscarriage. And infertility. And back to Jesus. And THIS PEACE. And how He is able to do exceeding abundantly above and beyond all i could ask or think! (Ephesians 3:20-21).
The other day I said to Brad, "This is not a person who just had a miscarriage!" I mean, it doesn't make any sense. But y'all. I have never felt God's peace so strongly before. Never. Never ever ever. I am not saying He hasn't been good to me, because He has. I am saying that I thought there was NO WAY i could survive a miscarriage, and not only am i surviving but I am experiencing peace and even some joy in a way i never thought possible.
(Side note: If you are like, 'What?! Melissa had a miscarriage?!", you should probably read my last post before this one!)
I didn't feel this kind of peace through three years of infertility. Not at all. I thought a miscarriage would literally tear me apart. I said as recently as last Saturday that I didn't know what I would do if I lost this baby. I said it wouldn't be good. I said i would probably go in my room & start crying & never stop. I said I would probably be mad at God forever. I said this out loud to people & I'm sure it worried them. I wonder what God was thinking when i said those things. I think it may have been something like this: Daughter, I know you're walking a tough road... and it's not over... but I promise you, I am always with you. i will never leave you. I am going to hold you up when you don't think you can stand. I am going to flood your heart and mind with a peace like you have never known. And I'm going to use everything you're going through for my glory. I don't know if that's what He was thinking... but that's what He's doing.
Please don't misunderstand me. I still can't believe this happened. I still can't believe miscarriage will be a part of my story. I still think it sucks. And I still need your prayers. Miscarriage is no easy thing, and I'm not making light of it. That's why this is such a big deal that i feel such peace! Because only our God could do that! Only He could! There is no way i would have made it through this without Him. There's just no way.
And while I am feeling His touch, His love, His peace... I also know I'm still going to grieve. I know hard days are still ahead. I would imagine that Mother's Day & my due date won't be easy days for me. And when i think about the fact that I'm actually NOT going to have a baby this October... that my infertility journey is not over after all... that it could be a long time before i conceive again... Well. My heart stops... and I feel a certain heaviness.
But something is happening to me. And it's a good thing.
I have said that I don't like when people write off miscarriage as being "God's plan". I don't believe that he is the author of miscarriage. I believe His heart breaks just like mine does. I believe His hurts with mine. I believe that He is always the giver of LIFE, not death. Yes, I know He allows things to happen... but i don't think that is the same thing as it being God's plan. One thing I do know, and one thing I am okay with you reminding me every once in awhile, is this:
For I know that ALL things work together for GOOD to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)
Yes! And i think that is what some people mean when they say it was His plan. Maybe it wasn't his plan, per se... but maybe He is going to use it for my good. For His glory.
I really don't know what else to say right now. I feel like I want to talk about this peace that He has given me so freely. I feel like i want to talk about the times i have been angry at God. I feel like I want to share with you this passion that is stirring inside of me. I feel like I want to talk about infertility & miscarriage more, to educate others & to minister to others going through the same thing. I want to share what I learned reading the book God is Able. But i don't know when to share what, and i don't know what to say. My friend told me i will know what to express here when it is time to express it. So stay tuned! ;)
And please don't take this post to mean you should stop praying for me! Haha. I feel like one reason I have felt okay this past week is because of your prayers. I have received SO MANY emails & texts EVERY SINGLE DAY since i told everyone what we are going through. I've received a care package in the mail, cards in the mail, flowers, meals - it's been ridiculous! Last night I got nervous about going to a wedding because, well... it was my first event to go to after broadcasting our news to the world (I posted the link to my last post on Facebook, something i never do.). I was afraid people would be weird or would say something hurtful. But they were perfect.
And then today, at church, i was nervous again. But several of the ladies came to talk to me & hug me & let me know they are praying for me. And my good friend Mandy gave me a charm for my origami owl necklace that represents the baby we lost. I teared up with that one! It's beautiful. Oh yeah. The people in my life have shown me a crazy amount of love & concern. It's amazing & I will never forget it!
I don't know what is next for us. But I know that God is here, and He's working it all out.
For those who have asked how you can specifically pray for me, here you go:
-Please pray that we conceive again, quickly, and that we do not have another miscarriage.
-Please pray that God gives us wisdom & direction on when/if we should seek further treatment.
-Please pray that He will provide financially for further treatment if it is necessary (which it is, outside of a miracle. But i know that our God is more than capable of miracles!). :)
-Please pray that God would clarify in my mind & heart what He is showing me & what He wants me to say in this blog.
-Please pray that His peace & joy would continue to fill me during this time.
Thank you all. We love you! :)
P.S. Just wanted to mention two things. First of all, if you comment on one of my posts, I usually respond to your comment through email. Therefore, if your email address is not attached to your blogger account, or if you don't leave your email address as part of your comment, I won't be able to respond. Unless i remember to come back to the blog to respond, which i probably won't (& you probably wouldn't think to come check anyway). Most of the comments on my last post had no email, but please know every single comment lifted my spirits! :)
You can also just email me instead of commenting on the post. There is a little envelope under my picture (right sidebar) & if you click that it will bring up an email box.
Secondly, if you want to continue to read my posts, but don't have a blogger account, if you scroll down the sidebar to the right, there is a spot that says "updates by email". If you put your email address there & click submit, you will get an email every time i write a new post! (Although I can't promise they'll always be super personal or super serious. Ha!) And if you read a lot of blogs, you should probably just get a Bloglovin' account.