Where to start?
Remember that time I did a whole30?
Well, i did another one. Except it ended up being a whole12. Yesterday was Day 13 & I totally cheated. I was second shooter for a wedding. Wedding was at noon, I had to be there at 10:30. I knew that i would be famished by the time I got to the reception, and I was right. I chanted to myself the whole way there, "meat and veggies, meat and veggies" but when it was FINALLY time to eat (after cutting of the cake & first dance & lots of other dances), i did NOT stick with just meat and veggies!
My concern is always what happens after a cheat. I am not going to beat myself up for cheating, i just don't do that. I used to be queen of beating myself up, and there are still times i insist on doing it, but for the most part i am not a fan. I don't think beating yourself up for something is really taking good care of yourself, does that make sense? So, no beating myself up, but y'all. I CANNOT ALLOW THIS to spin me out of control! And it is already starting, I can already see it happening.
So on Tuesday I shall start again.
Last night i went to a party. I put on a dress and felt HORRIBLY DISGUSTING in it. The logical thing to do would be to put on another dress, but this was really the only one i felt i could pull off in flats, and after being on my feet for 6 hours (photographing the wedding) I just wasn't willing to wear heels. The dress was so tight. It is supposed to be a little tight, but i always felt sexy in it before (yes, even at my size!). This time i did NOT. I felt like a cow. I even wore a sweater to hide my arse.
THIS IS NOT WHO I AM! Yes, i'm overweight, but i normally feel good about myself. I don't hate myself for being fat, i just don't. My husband loves me just the way i am, that helps, and while i think it would be awesome to be able to wear a dress without having to kill myself trying to squeeze into a pair of spanx, i still do not hate how i look. In fact, if it wasn't for infertility, PCOS, insulin resistance, and the potential for diabetes, i wouldn't even worry about losing weight!! (Not that losing weight would definitely cure my PCOS or infertility but it certainly wouldn't hurt!).
Actually, even if not for those things, i WOULD want to lose weight, but not so i could look hot. When i get to the size i am now (almost my heaviest ever) i just FEEL terrible. TERRIBLE! So disgusting and gross. So, yes, i guess i am mad at myself. I have gained back a lot of weight after whole30 #1.
Now, before you comment that it's a diet & you will always gain back weight on diets, this one ISN'T A DIET! It's a 30-day reset/recharge/detox, and is simply meant to propel you into (or back into, as the case may be) a healthy lifestyle. And yet, I TREATED IT LIKE a diet, and there you have it. Weight re-gained. I won't beat myself up, but that doesn't mean i am not furious with myself. But I'm trying to forgive & move on.
Anyway. Last night my confidence was gone, i felt like a freaking heffer, and i just can't allow myself to continue to gain weight.
So like i said...Tuesday i will start again. Prayers & encouragement accepted & needed!
A week before we started our first Whole30 - October 2013
A few days before we finished our first Whole30 - November 2013
Too bad i gained it all back... and then some... grrr. But maybe looking at these before & afters will motivate me to try it again.