Where to start?
Remember that time I did a whole30?
Well, i did another one. Except it ended up being a whole12. Yesterday was Day 13 & I totally cheated. I was second shooter for a wedding. Wedding was at noon, I had to be there at 10:30. I knew that i would be famished by the time I got to the reception, and I was right. I chanted to myself the whole way there, "meat and veggies, meat and veggies" but when it was FINALLY time to eat (after cutting of the cake & first dance & lots of other dances), i did NOT stick with just meat and veggies!
My concern is always what happens after a cheat. I am not going to beat myself up for cheating, i just don't do that. I used to be queen of beating myself up, and there are still times i insist on doing it, but for the most part i am not a fan. I don't think beating yourself up for something is really taking good care of yourself, does that make sense? So, no beating myself up, but y'all. I CANNOT ALLOW THIS to spin me out of control! And it is already starting, I can already see it happening.
So on Tuesday I shall start again.
Last night i went to a party. I put on a dress and felt HORRIBLY DISGUSTING in it. The logical thing to do would be to put on another dress, but this was really the only one i felt i could pull off in flats, and after being on my feet for 6 hours (photographing the wedding) I just wasn't willing to wear heels. The dress was so tight. It is supposed to be a little tight, but i always felt sexy in it before (yes, even at my size!). This time i did NOT. I felt like a cow. I even wore a sweater to hide my arse.
THIS IS NOT WHO I AM! Yes, i'm overweight, but i normally feel good about myself. I don't hate myself for being fat, i just don't. My husband loves me just the way i am, that helps, and while i think it would be awesome to be able to wear a dress without having to kill myself trying to squeeze into a pair of spanx, i still do not hate how i look. In fact, if it wasn't for infertility, PCOS, insulin resistance, and the potential for diabetes, i wouldn't even worry about losing weight!! (Not that losing weight would definitely cure my PCOS or infertility but it certainly wouldn't hurt!).
Actually, even if not for those things, i WOULD want to lose weight, but not so i could look hot. When i get to the size i am now (almost my heaviest ever) i just FEEL terrible. TERRIBLE! So disgusting and gross. So, yes, i guess i am mad at myself. I have gained back a lot of weight after whole30 #1.
Now, before you comment that it's a diet & you will always gain back weight on diets, this one ISN'T A DIET! It's a 30-day reset/recharge/detox, and is simply meant to propel you into (or back into, as the case may be) a healthy lifestyle. And yet, I TREATED IT LIKE a diet, and there you have it. Weight re-gained. I won't beat myself up, but that doesn't mean i am not furious with myself. But I'm trying to forgive & move on.
Anyway. Last night my confidence was gone, i felt like a freaking heffer, and i just can't allow myself to continue to gain weight.
So like i said...Tuesday i will start again. Prayers & encouragement accepted & needed!
A week before we started our first Whole30 - October 2013
A few days before we finished our first Whole30 - November 2013
Too bad i gained it all back... and then some... grrr. But maybe looking at these before & afters will motivate me to try it again.
That's good you're not beating yourself up! Just get back on the horse and try, try again. In the game of losing weight, we will always have our moments where we fall off the wagon. The thing to remember is it is just one day, or even just one meal. You can pick up and start over with your next meal. You'll get there!ReplyDelete
I'm glad you aren't beating yourself up about it. It's so hard to not eat what you're used to eating everyday but you go this girl!ReplyDelete
I also have PCOS and TTC so if you ever need someone to talk to email me!
My one issue with the Whole 30 is the 30 day thing and having to start back at Day 1 when you have a bad day. I totally get the rational and why it's important, but I honestly think it should be Day 1 again... It should become a day 30 + 3 days for every 1 day you don't mess up.ReplyDelete
I think the reason is so strict is so that you don't make excuses, but I think it's too easy to let one bad day spiral you out of control again.
I still haven't done another Whole 30 since my first (I had done it in October/November as well)
I have been working hard on healing within and over this hard winter I know I gained weight and instead of feeling disgusting and down on myself I'm trying to just love myself in every form. It's so hard!
My issue right now is that whole 30's are pretty expensive, so I'm hoping to do one once our garden starts to produce veggies :)
Best of luck this time around!
Best of luck with the whole 30- you CAN do it!! I'll be cheering you on! :)ReplyDelete
I cheated all weekend too. Back to it today! You and me are so much the same when it comes to food! Good luck today Mel! You can do it!ReplyDelete
my mom always used to tell me "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." I tell my kids this all the time, and I think that it is a good motivation for all of us to remember. Living in a microwave society, where we want our results NOW and NOW ALONE, it's easy to get down on ourselves for veering off or for not achieving something quickly the first time. You can do it-- because you've done it before!ReplyDelete
I do have to say though, that these thoughts you have about yourself are probably true regardless of your size-- I sometimes say the same things to myself and I'm considered a healthy/tiny size. You can do it-- and even if you don't, it doesn't change who you are on the INSIDE-- and that's all that your friends will/should care about anyways ;) Love you, friend!
you. are. getting it!ReplyDelete
you're constantly on the path to do better! THAT is what counts girl! :)
proud of you!
You are just plain cute whatever size you are! I totally know where you are coming from though. I want to lose weight and eat clean and I do really good for a little while and then I slowly slip and give up. It is so frustrating. I never really think of myself as fat but I'm sure most people do. I wouldn't say I love the way I look but I guess I don't hate it enough to fight harder.ReplyDelete
I am really trying this time. I signed up as a beach body coach and started doing their workouts and replacing a meal with shakeology. Haha I'll let you know if I stick with it.