There are so many things going on in my heart and my life. Good & bad things. Heartbreaking things. I don't even know where to begin. Nothing crazy has happened or anything. I just feel like i am now starting to deal with my miscarriage in March. This is difficult, because I feel like most people have either forgotten about it, or assume I am over it now & doing well. I am sorry to tell you, but that is not the case.
Side note: by "deal with it", i just mean... i am starting to FEEL it. I don't know that i am actually dealing with anything. I know that i am hurting. I know that i am broken. I know that i wonder if i will ever get through this. This feels over-dramatic but it's true. And yet there are really good things happening, too, and i am thankful for that. More on the good things later. Tonight i feel like just pouring words on this screen and hoping it all makes a little sense when i am finished.
When it first happened, i grieved, and i grieved hard. But i grieved for all of one day & then i felt an incredible amount of peace. And it stuck with me, for awhile. And after that i think i may have just maybe acted like it didn't happen? Or something. I don't know. But i stopped really thinking about it. I kept thinking about and hating and dealing with infertility. But the miscarriage? I couldn't allow myself to really think about it too much. That is not to say that infertility is easier to deal with than a miscarriage. I don't believe that. Miscarrying is one of the most painful experiences of my life (physically & emotionally), but infertility is right up there with it, and the thing is it just keeps on going. It never stops. We just made our 3 year anniversary of trying to conceive. The part about the miscarriage that upsets me the most is that it came with a pregnancy that happened after almost 3 years of trying to conceive. It was a miracle, an answer to prayer, only to be taken away. It felt like a joke. An incredibly cruel one. It still feels like a joke.
I find myself now in a really hard place. I cannot follow certain people on facebook, because they are due when i was due. So they are experiencing all of their little pregnancy milestones when i should be experiencing them too. Not their fault, at ALL, but of course when i see it on facebook it is a reminder of what i should also be experiencing. It is NOT FAIR. It is even harder when the person didn't even want a kid or didn't want another kid or got pregnant on accident or does nothing but complain about their pregnancy or their kid. These things are unbearable for someone like me. Again, it's not their fault, they are just expressing their thoughts & feelings on facebook like anyone else. But it still hurts. It still feels like i have been punched in the stomach. It still makes my heart ache at the most unexpected times.
I don't want you to think that if you are pregnant or have babies or children that your posts bother me. This isn't necessarily about YOUR posts. I am speaking in general at this moment, about no one in particular. Some of your posts don't bother me. I see some of them and think how cute your baby is or what a cute baby belly you have or how cute you are decorating your nursery. But there are others that make me just want to cry. And that's just the way it is right now, and i'm sorry. I wish it wasn't.
We have not gone back to the fertility specialist. I needed a break from it all, physically, but also emotionally, because fertility treatments are no joke. It is a huge amount of stress on your body & on your finances. You are at the doctor's office just about everyday. I needed the break, and Brad wanted us to take a break for financial reasons, too. He wanted to make sure we had paid off the last three IUI's before we did another one.
So we are still on break & I don't know when i will go back. We need wisdom; we need the Lord to guide us. I don't want to go back if it's not going to work anyway, and i don't want to go back if God's going to do a miracle of the old-fashioned kind anyway, but i don't want to NOT go back if the miracle is going to take place at the fertility clinic. And believe me... whether it happens in the bedroom or the doctor's office - it is still a miracle of God.
I want to admit to you (and this is probably just me, and just a result of infertility, so forgive me if you have said something like this) that it really bothers me to see a picture of a baby on facebook & the parents caption it by saying something like "we did good!" or "look what we made!". You are probably wondering how that is something that bothers me, and I understand. It is just one of those things that really means nothing, the person didn't mean to say anything hurtful, they are just trying to say how cute their kid is, and i get that. I do. But it bothers me anyway. Most people that easily get pregnant have no clue ALL OF THE THINGS that must happen at the exact correct time in order for a baby to be conceived! It is TRULY a MIRACLE !! And i know everyone knows it is a miracle, I know everyone exclaims about the miracle of life when a baby is born, but most of them really have no idea of how great this miracle is! It's not only a miracle if you tried for 10 years to get pregnant and finally conceive. It is just as much a miracle when you get pregnant in the first month of trying, because SO MANY THINGS have to happen with timing for you to conceive. It is not as simple as sperm meets egg! If you don't believe me... read a book! Seriously. All you did was have sex, or maybe you are really smart & you knew to time it to when you ovulate! But God is the creator of life. Not you. Pardon my bluntness. I know this is all very blunt. But i am so tired of people taking things like their precious gifts from God for granted, I am so tired of people thinking they made that little baby without any help at all! The truth is, you had only a little to do with that person being created. GOD is the one who deserves the praise & thanks for it!
Sorry...I feel like that was a WHOLE LOT OF PSYCHO in that last paragraph, but I'm keeping it. It feels good to get that off my chest. And I just feel like people say these things without thinking, without having any idea how it can affect someone. I wish people would think a little bit before they post certain things. Here is another example of something that bothers me in a newsfeed.
Y'all. These kinds of posts BUG ME. Not just from an infertility standpoint. I just think there is a whole lot of lecture & know-it-all in this kind of post. But geez. Things like this are easy to take personally. More than likely, the person who posted this wasn't thinking of ME. They were thinking of some pain in the butt relative who does nothing but complain about stupid things. But when you post things you have to take into account ALL OF THE PEOPLE who will be reading it & what they may or may not be going through. I know i shouldn't take these things personally. I used to take NOTHING personally!! But infertility. It has changed me in a lot of ways. Good and bad.
Truth is, i know i am blessed. SO BLESSED. In many ways. I marvel all the time at how many really GOOD friends i have. I know that is rare. I love my church family, my in-laws, my parents, my sister. I have a great job. I have found so much joy in theatre & photography. My husband is the sweetest & our marriage has been pretty fantastic. I am thankful. But i do think about infertility a lot. I do cry about it. I do talk to God about it a lot, sometimes in tears, sometimes angry. He understands. I am SO THANKFUL that He understands! But things like this on facebook? Ugh. The person who posted it the last time was a pregnant girl. She has exactly what i want, with her boyfriend, on accident! I always refrain from commenting on those things, but the comments are just running through my head.
"easy for you to say"
"sometimes you can be thankful for what you have while still focusing on what you don't have!"
"must be nice to have everything you want and be able to post things like this!"
"maybe i would feel that way if i was in your shoes."
Enough venting. As you can see, i am a mess! I do know that. Please pray for me.
Will we ever go back to treatment? If i am not pregnant this year, then i am sure we will. We haven't picked a month that i will go back, we haven't talked about it. This is because we are both hoping for the bedroom kind of miracle. But if that doesn't happen this year, in 2014 (or maybe before that), i am sure we will do another few IUI's. IVF right now is out of the question for us. We just do not have that kind of money, and insurance covers nothing. They believe having children is a "life choice", right up there with liposuction!! They cover NOTHING! This doesn't make me angry or anything.
Thank you for letting me spill, and i hope i haven't offended you. I know there are a couple of newly pregnant blog readers of mine, and i love you, and i'm sorry. I do not want to steal your joy. I am happy for you. I just unfortunately am still stuck here.
And so you know, i am doing well, too. We are buying a house which is EXCITING & FUN & a good distraction, if i'm being honest! Haha. Cannot wait. :) More on that later.
thoughts | brokenness & the american dream
9 hours ago