Brad was already getting sick on Monday, he missed work on Tuesday, but he had to go back on Wednesday (Christmas Eve day) because his coworker was off, and one of them is always supposed to be there. So by the time he got home he was absolutely MISERABLE. He took medicine and went straight to bed.
I was bummed he had to miss Christmas Eve service at our church, but i understood, and went on my own. It was a beautiful service.
Christmas Day we got up & he seemed a little better! I made breakfast & we exchanged gifts. I would like to take a moment to tell you how DELICIOUS this was. It has only three ingredients, which happen to be 3 of brad's favorite things, so i knew this was a win. 3 ingredients means easy work for me (ha), and Brad's favorite things means he would love it! This is sausage & cream cheese inside unrolled crescent rolls. Y'all. It was SO GOOD! I'm not even a big sausage eater but i loved it. DELICIOUS!
And Fievel got a new Christmas sweater! He's real excited about it, can't you tell?!
But then i was making cookies and i turned around and saw this...
And i knew he would be staying home this year. Not just home, but in bed! At first I thought I'd stay with him, because I didn't really want to go to Christmas without him. But after awhile I got dressed & headed to his aunt's house by myself.
I hate going places without him. I mean, girls nights, of course. And work, duh. But places like church or holiday celebrations...HATE IT. Even if he stays home on a Sunday morning, and i go to church without him. I feel like my left arm is missing or something. I know this is ridiculous considering i was single way longer than i have been married, but it's just how it is. I enjoy being with him.
I know some of you are rolling your eyes, because you don't have husbands or your husband is away all the time, so let me just interject here that on my way to his aunt's house, i remembered our military spouses and i remembered my new friend who is a detective and her husband is a fireman, and they are rarely off for holidays but if they are, it's not at the same time. I remembered my friends who have lost loved ones and now have to spend every year without them. So don't worry - i gained a little perspective! And once i got there i was so glad i went. love Brad's family and really enjoy hanging out with them!
The food was delicious, and his uncle put on home videos from when Brad & Jaimie were tiny!! Like 2 & 5!! So cute!! Also, Brad's cousin Megan, who is a photographer, brought her Canon 6D with her 70-200 lens, and i played with it for awhile. I absolutely love it! I took her family picture with it & it came out SO sharp! Eeek!! I was pretty excited as you can see by my expression!
I will admit that one thing that had me down this Christmas was the fact that we still are not parents. Last year, we said what we said the four years before it, "Maybe NEXT year we'll have a baby by Christmas!" Then when i actually got pregnant in March, i couldn't believe it! We would have a baby by Christmas! What a different and wonderful Christmas 2014 would be! But i miscarried, and it just felt like the cruelest joke.
For some reason, i didn't think the holidays would be too hard. We don't have kids on my side of the family, and this year we would be spending it with brad's dad's side of the family. There are a ton of kids but no newborns or pregnant people. Ha. And I made it to my due date, which i thought would be the hardest part. My due date was hard, but I think Christmas might have been harder. You see, Christmas is so magical to children, but also to parents! To see the wonder and excitement in their children's eyes...this is something i absolutely long for. Seeing my facebook feed full of kids waking up to their gifts, parents or grandparents reading the Christmas story to family, a tree full of gifts under it... all of these things are things i desperately want to experience. When people this year asked, "Are you ready for Christmas?" meaning, "Have you gotten all your shopping done?" and i would say "no", I then had to add, "It's okay, though. We don't have that many to shop for." That is sad to me. That is something that makes me sad. You might think it's a blessing because it means more money in our pockets...but it's not. I want to have a tree full of gifts underneath. I know it isn't about the gifts. But the gifts represent people...children...family. That's the part of Christmas that is missing, and there is a certain emptiness I feel because of it.
I have been pretty positive these last few months, but yesterday was a hard day. And i am not saying "Maybe next year" this year, because you know what? Maybe i still won't be a parent next year. I'm not losing hope but it's totally out of my hands & i have no idea when or if God is going to answer this prayer in the way that i want Him to. It's a hard road. And i know He knows that. I don't know why He hasn't answered our prayers yet, but I do know that He cares and understands my feelings.
So imagine... I'm on my way home yesterday when my blog friend, Laura, messages me asking if i got a small package from her. I told her i didn't. She said that according to tracking it was delivered. She said, maybe they left it on my front porch? I told her i would check when i got home, but i didn't think so. I mean, there is no way to miss a package on my front porch.
When i got home, i didn't see it, but she said it was small. Maybe i should check the mailbox. Our mail normally comes around 11 am, and i had checked it twice after that on Christmas Eve day. Nothing. I decided we either didn't get mail or it didn't run on the 24th. Well, what do you know...it was sitting in my mailbox. A beautiful snowflake in memory of Baby V. How thoughtful! How wonderful! And up until that point in the day, nobody had acknowledged baby v or how i might be missing him/her. Laura, that meant so much to me. Thank you!!!
God totally knew that i needed this gift on Christmas Day... not on Christmas Eve. And He made sure I didn't see it until the day I needed it most. How sweet of Him!!
I'm not trying to say it was a terrible Christmas. I have Brad and my dog and for the first time, a super cute house!!! :) I love our families. I love our friends. I am blessed with women of God who love me & pray for me. And my support group friends! How would i make it without them!? So please believe me, I do recognize the good things in life! But i also recognize the importance of sharing. I don't like keeping quiet about infertility anymore. I want people to know how it affects people. And i want to remember how it affected me. Because one day i will have my miracle baby, and i will be able to look back on posts like this & praise the Lord for what He has done. :)
So there you have it. Our Christmas rundown. :) And, by the way... as of this morning...Brad is still sick but seems to be feeling a lot better! And his cough is better! I think we are on the mend! :)
I feel the same way about going places alone. I know it's not the biggest deal and once I'm someplace without my husband I tend to be fine... but just kind of hate the idea of going someplace without him. So as silly as it may sound, I completely get it!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it was such a tough day for you. I totally relate (although not to the DOUBLE suckiness of the husband being sick- that is super bad!!) and don't blame you at all for cutting out the 'maybe next year...' train of thought. It's just too much, eventually. What an incredibly thoughtful friend, though- such a kind gift!!
ReplyDeleteI want to share the entire story of that snowflake making it to you at just the right time...
ReplyDeleteI bought it when we went to Kraynak's which was at least two weeks before Christmas. I always think of you when I go there now and I KNEW I was supposed to pick something up for you... in memory of Baby V. So I bought the snowflake, took it home and said "I need to mail this out right away."
That didn't happen. I put it under my tree and totally forgot about it! Then, in a panic on the Saturday before Christmas, I realized that I was running out of time if I was going to get it to you before Christmas. Mike ran it to the post office for me while I did some other things. I relaxed when the shipping said it should arrive on Tuesday.
Of course, I watched the shipping and there were no updates. I knew it wouldn't get there on Tuesday. Tuesday night it changed and said it was now going to be delivered on Wednesday... christmas Eve... and I thought PERFECT!
But then you didn't mention it lol. I knew you would if you had got it and the tracking said it was delivered. So I was confused and several times I thought to message you and ask if you got it but kept feeling like I should wait... until Christmas when I couldn't wait any longer.
And you know the rest. :) How you missed it in your mailbox and it just sat there waiting for you... for the right time. :)
I just wanted to share all of that story because Mel... God loves you. God sees you. God knew what you would need. He was orchestrating every moment of that snowflake... from the moment he put the thought in my head to the moment it arrived. No one gets mail on Christmas... but you did! Because that is when you needed it most. :)