Sunday, March 8, 2015

Stacks of Stones.

I don't even know where to begin, but God has been doing so much in my life lately. It is literally one thing after another. I feel like ever since BELIEVE became my word for 2015, God has done one thing after another to stir up my faith to help me to keep on believing. It's exciting. I feel His presence.

I didn't just make "believe" my word for the year, and then be done with it. I began to really think about that word. I began to pray and ask God to help me with my unbelief. I began to say scriptures on faith & believing Him OUT LOUD. I began to really praise Him in the car on my way to work, and on my way home. Doing this has only continued to stir up faith in my heart.

I am not the same as last year. Last year was my 3rd year of infertility. It also included my first pregnancy, which ended in a miscarriage. It was a year of grief and heartache, anger and fear and jealousy. But i wanted to reach out to God. I wanted to run to Him. Even when I was mad at Him, I wanted to be closer to Him.

This year, I feel so much hope, so much faith. Verses about faith are taking on a whole new meaning for me. The truth of these verses is really resonating deep within my heart.

And nearly every day, God reminds me of how He is working, how much He loves me, how much He cares about me, how He sees me. Nearly everyday. He is literally blowing my mind.

I remember when I was in my late teens. I hated myself. I did not like myself at all. I thought i was ugly, stupid, fat. My self-esteem was just so low. My youth pastor, if he overheard me talk negatively about myself, would correct me and make me repeat things like, "I am a child of God. I am beautiful, created in His image. I am a woman of strength and victory." Things like that. As i repeated those words, I heard them, and I began to believe them. Like I said in my last post about this, it's not a magic potion, but if (as the word says), "faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God", then when I speak His words OUT LOUD, I hear them, and I start to believe they are true.

I knew these things in my head last year. I remembered how my pitiful view of myself changed because I began to change the words I said about myself. Because I stopped speaking words of hate to myself, and instead started speaking words that God said about me. But I didn't know how to get there when it came to infertility. I had to wade through a pool of grief first, I think. But even when I felt like I was no longer drowning in the grief, I still didn't know how to believe that God would give me a baby. I began to listen to lies in my head that said it wouldn't happen for me...that i wasn't good enough...that i am too old. You get the point. I didn't know how to trust God when He answered my prayer with a pregnancy, only to allow a miscarriage. I didn't know how to BELIEVE when I just didn't.

But when the word "believe" was dropped in my spirit after a sermon at Healing Place on the woman with the issue of blood ("Daughter, your faith has healed you."), I began to think about how i have to believe. I have to have faith. Without faith it is impossible to please God. I began to read Luke. I started hearing scriptures or song lyrics that talked about BELIEVING HIM, or (along those same lines), trusting Him or having faith in Him, and I began to repeat them. And it seems like since then, since i have started to actually believe, God has done one thing after another to help me to keep on believing.

I have also noticed that since my word has become "believe" more and more people are making statements of faith towards me when they talk to me. I am getting fewer ignorant comments regarding infertility, and instead comments like "God is going to do it!", "When you have that baby..." or "I am believing with you!" These statements have only helped the faith in my heart to rise even more.

This isn't how it was AT ALL last year. If someone said "It's going to happen, I just know it!" I would think, "You can't possibly know that". I thought I was just being realistic. It was too scary to hope for more. But now I don't care. I'm just going to go ahead & believe Him. Trust Him. Have faith. I am so thankful for this new perspective. It feels like I have turned a huge corner in this journey.

At my support group last week, our leader, Beth, talked about Joshua 4. She had stones and had us get into two groups and make stacks of stones just like the people did in this passage of scripture. Each stone represented what God had done for the people, to remind them of His faithfulness. Beth told us to make a stack of stones & tell each other something God had done for us on this journey through infertility. So we did. My stack of stones is at my house now, to remind me of His faithfulness.




So here are three of my stones....just three of the (many) things God has done this year in my infertility journey.

{1} I don't know if I have told y'all this one yet, but I'm guessing not. Although if you follow me on social media, you may have seen it. I was so blown away, I could not keep it to myself. A few weeks ago, I made an appointment to go back to our RE (reproductive endocrinologist). It was a Wednesday. The appointment is just for a consult, to talk to our doctor before starting up treatments again. Two days after making that appointment, I got a phone call from my doctor's office. It was from Sherry, who handles the finances, so I was a little confused why she was the one calling me, because I assumed it was about my consult.

"Melissa, this is Sherry from Dr. Webster's office? I was calling to tell you that an anonymous person has made a donation to your account ... in the amount of 1500 dollars."

I'm sorry...what?!? Y'all. I cried. I cried in the lobby of the hospital where I work, I was so blown away & in awe of God. I have NO IDEA who could have done that! Not a clue. There are so many who love us, who know treatments are expensive. $1500 is enough to cover another IUI which is what we would be doing next. He is so good and faithful! I felt just FULL of gratitude and joy. What an awesome God we serve!

{2} My friend Mary Claire and I have become worship buddies. We went to Hillsongs last August, then Kari Jobe in October, Bethel Music in February, & then just two days later, Natalie Grant/Charlotte Gambill. One after another & we are loving it! Anyway, Bethel Music blew our socks off. I had no idea if i knew their songs, and neither did she. We both just wanted to go. We met for dinner first, and then headed to the church, in no hurry. But the church was nearly full, and the line outside wrapped around the building! We were like, 'What is going ON???" I mean, we had no expectations. But clearly people love Bethel Music!

 me & mary claire at bethel's night of worship

Well, the night of worship blew us both away. Completely. I told Mary Claire it has been a long time since i have felt the presence of God THAT strongly. It was just powerful. (Not to say the presence of God isn't in my own church, and even in my car when i am praising Him! But there is something about corporately worshiping with thousands of people for a few hours!)

So at some point they started praying for people to be healed. People raised their hands for healing and those around them would lay hands on them and pray with them. The girl we prayed with had been suffering from migraines. So we prayed for her. As Mary Claire and I were moving back to our seats, the guy said in the microphone, "I believe God is healing people all over this room right now. I believe there are women here who have been unable to have children, you have not been able to become pregnant, God is healing you right now. Your womb is open, He is healing you now." Mary Claire and i looked at each other so quickly & i thought my eyes might pop out of my head! She said, "Melissa...oh my God", and that was about all I could say, too! I looked across the aisle at my friend Ashley & she was leaning forward so she could see me. She had a huge smile on her face & she was nodding her head at me! I looked several sections over where I could see my friend Amanda wiping tears out of her eyes. She texted me the next morning and said, "Just so you know, when they started praying for healing, I started praying for you and Mary Claire. So when that guy said that I just lost it!" Haha! Amanda & Ashley have been two huge supporters of mine in this journey, so it was so neat that they were there to hear that, too. WOW! God, thank you! I remember feeling so emotional after that. Not in a bad way. Just overwhelmed with His kindness.

This is getting so long, and I'm sorry. If you're still here, thank you!!

{3} This happened the day after we made our stacks of stones, but it is definitely a reminder of God's faithfulness. Friday at work. I'm in there, minding my own business. Nobody was in the waiting room. A man in his late 50's or early 60's came in and I let him know that his wife & daughter were still in the back. He began to chit chat with me. He asked me if i had any kids. I said, "not yet". A little while later in conversation, he asked me how long I've been married. (Nosy questions, I know! But it was worth it this time!) I hesitated because I knew when I said we've been married almost 7 years, he would have something to say about us not having kids yet. So i said it. And he said, "It's time for a baby!" Well, duh. Usually when people say things like that I get angry. Because what gives someone the right? They have no idea. I mean, i think it's about time we had a baby, too!! Since i am no longer private about my story, I normally will just be honest with someone when they are so honest with me. (Unless I am just not in the mood, in which case I will shut the conversation down!) So i said, "Yes, I know. We want kids. We've been trying for almost 4 years, we just haven't gotten our miracle yet."

Well! This guy was a pastor!! He had been looking at some art on our wall, but when I said that he turned around so fast and exclaimed, "Hold out your hands!" I did. He grabbed them and prayed right there in our waiting room! He prayed a prayer full of faith. This stranger, knowing nothing about me or if I was even a Christian, held my hands and asked God to give us a baby. He BELIEVED! And after He prayed, he said, "God is going to do it! You are going to become pregnant THIS YEAR." (He wasn't prophesying, but making a statement of faith.) I said, "I believe it." He said, "Ohhhh, it's going to happen!" He was so full of excitement for me. There was NO DOUBT in his mind AT ALL that God is going to answer that prayer. He asked, He believes. Just that simple. I cried when he prayed for me. I told Brad he wasn't a fake. I felt like He was full of Jesus. It was crazy! And yet another reminder from God that he sees me. He knows. He hasn't forgotten. And He's going to do it!

After he prayed for me, I let him know I am a christian, too. We talked longer, about my family, about Brad, about how we met. We talked about my church. I told him I had a miscarriage last year. I don't normally open up to strangers like this, but i just loved him (despite his nosy questions in the beginning. Ha!)!! My only regret was not getting a selfie with him! Haha! He gave me his number and told me to call him when I'm pregnant! And i will!

God set that up. He set that appointment up. It was divine. I fully believe that. His daughter wasn't there for a routine checkup. They thought they saw something on her mammogram and had called her back. At this point, they tell you it's nothing or you need a biopsy. When she came out, she said, "Everything's fine. It was nothing." And he said, "See?? Didn't I tell you?? We prayed, God answered!" And then he looked at me and said, "It wasn't an accident that I came here today, was it?" Oh, no sir! :) (By the way, his first words to his wife & daughter were (pointing to me), "She's a believer too!" and then "I just prayed for her to become pregnant!" HAHAHA! You should have seen the looks on their faces!)


So there you go. Three of my stones. But there are many more. God is faithful.

10 comments:

  1. This post gave me chills. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for you! :)

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  2. Oh, the tears!! I love this post!! I BELIEVE! You WILL BE PREGNANT this year!

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  3. Wow! I have goosebumps! Amazing stories! XO

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  4. I love this! I think this is your year :)

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  5. It doesn't matter if a post is long if it is good. :) Even though I had heard all these stories I still read it all!!!

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  6. I am praying for your future pregnancy!

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  7. I am so excited for you to have the baby I know God has for you! What awesome stories of God's reminders of His faithfulness! I can't wait!

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  8. Ah, so cool, all the assurance the Lord has been giving you, Melissa!

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  9. Oh Mel! I'm just boohoo-ing after reading this! I'd heard your #1, but not #2 & #3. God is so awesome, right?!

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  10. I LOVE LOVE LOVE God's testimony he's creating in you! What amazing things that happened! God is so good!!

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Comments are my favorite.