I wrote two posts in 2017. Three, counting this one. WOW.
I knew my blogging game had seriously fallen, but GRACIOUS.
See? This is the archive section of my blog, the black number is how many posts I wrote that year. There has been quite a decline! Honestly, blogging doesn't seem to be my thing anymore, and I'm okay with that. I do, however, apologize for leaving anyone in the dark about what was going on with me, with us, with our IVF adventure. If you follow me on instagram, though, you've been kept in the loop. I think Instagram is to blame for my lack of blogging. There is just such a strong infertility community there, and it is so easy to tell a quick story!
Anyway. Seeing as how it is the end of the year, I decided to finally update this blog. I don't want to just leave it hanging, you know? This will be as brief as possible!
If you go back to my other posts from this year, you'll see that after doing our egg retrieval
in October of 2016, that we had our first embryo transfer
in January. That one technically worked but it was a chemical pregnancy (meaning I miscarried before we even got to an ultrasound).
|At our embryo transfer in May. |
|Our embaby |
In May, we had our second frozen embryo transfer. It was not successful. I was pretty devastated.
For me, this one was harder on me than any of the previous ones, not counting my two losses. Miscarriage is unlike anything else, and if you've wished you've miscarried just so you know you can get pregnant, you don't realize what you're saying. I've had girls say that to me, and it made me sick. You don't wish that... you think you wish that, but you don't know how devastating it is to miscarry, especially after waiting and praying and hoping for so long. Anyway, other than those two losses, this negative was harder than the previous 6 years of negatives, including the 6 IUIs. I know that has to be because of all of the money you spend and all that you put your body and emotions through when you do IVF... not to mention the loss of another beautiful embryo (or two, depending on how many were transferred). All of that seems like it is for nothing when it doesn't work. It is devastating and horrifying... how could it not work?! How could it possibly not work? How come so many get pregnant on their honeymoon or by accident?! How come undeserving people get pregnant so dang easily? Why not us? It is hard not to grow bitter.
|An awesome card a friend gave me after our BFN. |
But in June we met with my doctor to talk about why it didn't work. I had been praying about dropping some weight before our next round. It isn't that i think my weight is why it didn't work before. I am sure a lot of people think that, but it isn't really the case. I could lose 150 pounds and it still not work. I can name for you probably 20 friends right off the bat whose IVF transfers were negative and they're all in great shape. It isn't all about my weight, there are other factors involved. For the most part, I believe this is beyond my control. That being said, I want to give our remaining embryos their best chance of making it.
|So much love from friends after our failed transfer. |
So I prayed on the way to my consult that whatever our doctor suggested would be the right path for me. I didn't really think he would mention my weight because he has said before, he disagrees with having a weight restriction for IVF as some doctors have. He sees many overweight women conceive and have healthy pregnancies. But what do you know... after praying what I did on the way to our consult, the first thing out of my doctor's mouth after saying he was so sorry it didn't work was that the only thing he would suggest is that I try to lose weight before our next round. Now, I know some people would die if their doctor said that, but I know that my weight is a problem, and he is able to suggest things like weightloss without making you feel horrible about yourself. Truly, he talks about it in the same way he might tell someone they need to get a routine mammogram or have their blood pressure checked. I am fine with talking about it, especially since he is able talk about it without making me feel like crap! All of that to say, I wasn't upset when he said that. It was simply confirmation in my heart after already feeling like that was where God was leading me.
|Gorgeous flowers from a sweet support group friend. |
So since then I have been on a break. I jumped into a whole30 & dropped ten pounds. I jumped into theater again, which I had missed tremendously & which had brought so much joy to my life before. Theater isn't really something I can do while doing IVF so it was a gift to be able to do that while on break from treatment. I stage managed Footloose with the young actor's program and I auditioned for Sister Act and performed as a nun in the ensemble. It was an absolutely blast that I will cherish forever! Then we celebrated our 9th anniversary and then the holidays began! I fell way off the eating well wagon, though. It is just so hard to keep it going, even when you have the very best reasons for changing your lifestyle.
|I got to be in a show again!!! |
BUT very soon we will start a new year, and I love a new year. And in 2018 I will start a new lifestyle and work harder than ever at losing weight. My doctor said even if i didn't lose weight, he would do another transfer when I was ready. But I myself know that this is what I need to do. I am not trying to get to an ideal weight right now. I just want to try to lose a good amount of weight in 3 to 6 months before returning to IVF. Some have said, "so you're going to do it again?" as if that is completely insane. Yes. Yes, of course, we are going to do it again. We have four embryos left. Four precious embryos. Those are our babies!!! I desperately want our rainbow baby and I believe with all my heart that our baby (or babies!) is in that group of four.
|Photo by Amanda Blythe Photography |
So please pray for me as I press on & give my all once again to getting healthier. There are many reasons I've tried to lose weight in the past, and they're all good reasons. But right now I have one goal in mind. I covet your prayers.
In 2018 we will reach 7 years of trying to conceive. Also in 2018, I will turn 40. For me, this is our last year to give this a go. We are getting older and frankly, I am weary of the battle. I am ready to receive what I believe the Lord has for us. Over the past 7 years we have tried naturally, we have done temping and charting and tests and labwork. We have done 6 IUIs, 1 egg retrieval and 2 embryo transfers. I have had two early miscarriages. I am ready for all of that to be in the past and for 2018 to be the start of an entirely new journey for us... something I have looked forward to my entire life, even as a child: Motherhood.
|The night Brad came to see me in Sister Act. |
I hope to continue blogging but if the last year is any indication, you
should probably follow me on instagram if you want to follow along. I am
not sure how soon I will return to IVF but it is very likely that I
will instagram all about it when I do.
Love you all! Thank you for your many prayers throughout our journey.